Wanda Sykes Takes a Lie Detector Test

[John] Nervous?

Not at all.

I have nothing to hide.

[daunting music]

[Interrogator] Is your name Wanda Sykes?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Were you born in March 7th 1964?

Yes.

Had to throw the year in there, huh?

[Interrogator] Are you ready to take a polygraph exam?

Yes.

[daunting music]

[Interrogator] Ready for the first category?

Yes.

[Interrogator] First up,

let's talk about your life.

So as a kid, were you always cracking jokes?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Did it ever get you into trouble?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Would you care to elaborate.

Um, yeah, I would

say things and, uh,

get punished for it quite often,

but it was mostly observations, you know?

Like, my mother's friend came over and her wig was crooked

and I was happy to point that out.

[laughs] My mother was embarrassed.

I got in trouble.

[Interrogator] You found out on the TV show,

Finding Your Roots,

that you great-great-grandmother was a white woman?

You ever noticed the white woman in your coming out?

I can be a little uppity, so, yes.

[Interrogator] Have you ever done yoga?

Yes.

[Interrogator] What about a juice cleanse?

Yes.

Worst two days of my life.

No [laughs].

[Interrogator] So you're married?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you think your wife

ever fake-laughs at your jokes?

No.

[Interrogator] Are there any jokes about her

that she doesn't like you telling?

Yes.

[Interrogator] You're a mother to twins, correct?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you like one of them

more than the other?

Aw, man!

Do I like one of them more than the other?

[Interrogator] Answer the question, Wanda.

No.

No.

[Interrogator] You worked for the NSA for a bit

as a contracting specialist?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you still work for the NSA?

No.

[Interrogator] John.

[laughs]

I just get nervous about NSA questions!

[Interrogator] Breathe, Wanda.

I'll ask again.

Do you still work for the NSA?

No.

[Interrogator] Do you think people who know you

would describe you as an out of touch celebrity?

No.

[Interrogator] Have you ever taken an Uber Pool

to save some money?

Hell no.

Come on, now.

Don't be crazy.

[Interrogator] Do you fly business class?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you think it makes sense

to board the front of the plane before the back?

Yes.

So that way, all the people can see who's fancy.

[Interrogator] Do you think you're better than me

because I fly coach?

Yes.

[laughs] Absolutely.

I don't know how you people do it back there.

I really don't.

I'd rather walk.

[Interrogator] Next up, your career.

Are you a fan of the TV show Seinfeld?

Yes.

[Interrogator] And you're on the show

Curb Your Enthusiasm?

Yes.

[Interrogator] And also, you were on

the New Adventures of Old Christine.

Yes.

[Interrogator] So if you say you're just

following the cast of Seinfeld around?

[laughs]

Yes and no.

I didn't do Veep, so,

still a sore spot.

[Interrogator] Do you think you're funny?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Would you say you're funnier than this guy?

[laughs]

Yes.

[Interrogator] And how about this lady?

See, it's different.

You mean standup or acting?

[Interrogator] Let's say, acting.

No.

[Interrogator] Do you think you're funnier than this guy?

Writing, no.

[Interrogator] What about standup?

Yes, I'd crush him.

[Interrogator] Should people be accountable

for jokes they made decades ago?

Wow.

Should people be accountable

for jokes they made decades ago?

[daunting music]

I think, yeah, yes.

You should answer to them, yeah.

[Interrogator] Have any of your jokes not aged well?

Oh, I'm, well...

Can't think of anything,

but I'm sure I've offended some people.

That's my job.

[Interrogator] Do you think people are too sensitive now

when it comes to comedy?

Uh, yes.

[Interrogator] You performed

at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2009?

Mhm.

[Interrogator] If you were asked to do it again for Trump,

would you?

No.

[Interrogator] Were you wary when you signed on for

Rosanne?

[laughs]

When I signed on, no.

[Interrogator] Are you glad you stepped away when you did?

Yes.

[Interrogator] You said in an interview

with a Boston newspaper

that Rosanne is just an old lady

who shouldn't be on Twitter.

Are there other old ladies you know

who shouldn't be on Twitter?

Probably me.

Uh, [laughs].

[Interrogator] Do you think there should be

an age cut off?

I don't think, you know,

it's not necessary the age cut off.

I think it's more like,

they had the two drinks, yeah, let's not tweet.

[Interrogator] Now let's talk about pop culture.

Were you aware that the rapper Riff Raff

mentions you in a song?

No.

Who's Riff Raff?

[Interrogator] This is Riff Raff.

Okay, sorry, Riff Raff.

[Interrogator] Let's play the tape.

♪ It's the white Mehki Phife in a black Dodge Vipe ♪

♪ I pull up like Wanda Sykes ♪

♪ More liked than Betty White ♪

Oh, okay.

[Interrogator] What do you think of that?

That's super cool.

Where do I pull up?

I pull up.

Where have I pulled up?

Oh, I showed up?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, that's me, I'm pulling up.

I'm always pullin' up.

I pulled up to this spot today.

[Interrogator] Are you familiar with memes?

Uh, yes.

[Interrogator] Would you say you're a spicy meme lord?

I have no idea what you just asked me.

[Interrogator] Would you be upset to find out

that you've been turned into a meme?

Would I be upset, no.

[Interrogator] So if this photo started going

around the internet with funny captions on it?

[laughs]

Would you be okay with that?

[laughs]

Yes.

[Interrogator] John?

Is that one going around?

[Interrogator] Oh, it will be.

Okay.

[Interrogator] And now, philosophy.

You said on Ellen one time

that you saw a ghost in your hotel room.

So, you believe ghosts are real?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you believe in the afterlife?

Yes.

[Interrogator] If you came back as a ghost,

is there someone you'd wanna haunt?

So Interrogatory people, yes.

[Interrogator] Care to name one?

I would hang out in the White House a lot.

[Interrogator] Are you confident that you have a purpose?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you think you've fulfilled that purpose?

Yes.

Well not,

I'm in the process of fulfilling a purpose.

[Interrogator] Do you believe in time travel?

No.

[Interrogator] If you could go back in time,

do you know when you'd go to?

You know, black people are not really fond

of going back.

It's only so far back we'd like to go.

Uh, yesterday was fun.

[laughs]

[Interrogator] Okay, Wanda.

That concludes our lie detector test.

John, how'd she do?

That great, John?