Dave Bautista and Kumail Nanjiani Take a Lie Detector Test

[hands slamming]

[Man] Kumail?

Yeah?

[Man] Mr. Bautista?

Hey. Hi.

[Man] You're gonna taking a lie detector test today.

Okay.

[Man] You guys ready?

Yep.

Yeah, I guess so.

[Man] One of you will be hooked up to the machine

while the other asks questions.

[David] Mm-hmm.

[Man] And then you'll switch.

Okay.

[Man] Who's itching to go first?

Who wants to be strapped in first?

You can strap me in.

Or do you wanna be strapped in?

Dave will get strapped in first.

[metal clanking]

[electricity buzzing]

[ominous music]

[Kumail] Yeah, you've done this before.

Lie detector test?

[Kumail] Yeah.

No, why would you assume that I've done a lie detector?

[Kumail laughing]

[Kumail] Okay, I guess that did come out wrong.

[Dave laughing]

[Man] Relax your hand please, sir.

Okay, are you ready?

Kind of, I feel like I'm set up for failure.

[Kumail] Why?

'Cause it's so uncomfortable,

and it's already like the light.

Just relax and tell the truth.

[Dave] Feel like I'm being interrogated.

As long as you're telling the truth,

you have nothing to worry about.

I only tell the truth.

Okay, here we go.

So I'm just gonna set up a baseline to make sure

[Dave] the numbers are good. Okay.

Is your name Dave Bautista?

No.

No?

It's David Michael Bautista Jr.

I don't know.

I'm trying to be honest.

Okay, alright, were you born in Washington D.C.?

I was.

[Kumail] Okay. Yes.

[Kumail] Are you ready to take this lie detector test?

Yes.

[ominous music]

How many tattoos do you have, David?

Six.

Six?

[Dave laughing]

You have six tattoos?

Yes, see?

Six huge ones.

Well these are all connected,

so I figure they're just, it's one tattoo.

Okay, so it's just overlap.

[Dave] Yeah.

As one.

Have you ever had a tattoo removed?

No.

[Kumail] Would you ever consider

getting a friendship tattoo with me?

Yes [Dave laughing].

So what is it David Michael Bautista Jr.?

Yes.

So David Micheal Bautista Jr.,

you collect vintage lunchboxes?

Is that true?

That is true?

Do you think that makes you less intimidating?

Yes [Dave laughing].

Do you have a favorite one?

Yes, it is--

[Kumail] What is it?

A 1967 Green Hornet lunchbox.

Okay and why is that your favorite one?

'Cause it has Bruce Lee on it.

Oh my God, you're the most adorable.

[Dave laughing]

Is it true you were once a night club bouncer?

Yes, true, 13 years.

Do you think you'd let me into the club?

Yes.

What if I was wearing flip flops and jeans?

It depends on which club.

Okay [Kumail and Dave laughing].

Did you see a lot of Ed Hardy when you were a bouncer?

No.

[Kumail] Okay.

Ed Hardy was--

After that.

After I was a bouncer.

So you're the father of a few pit bulls,

is that correct?

Two, yes.

Would you say, do you think a pit bull

is your spirit animal?

[Dave] Probably not.

What would it be?

What would your spirit animal be?

Gerbil maybe [laughing].

[Kumail] A gerbil?

I don't know.

Something, I don't know, something probably smaller

and more lovable [laughing]

You're very lovable.

What would you say my spirit animal would be?

An eagle.

[Kumail] Okay.

[Dave laughing] Wow.

You follow an account on Instagram called pigsoninsta.

Wow, if you guys went through who we're following on insta,

I'm in trouble [laughing]

[Dave] Oh-oh [laughing]

Pigsoninsta yes.

[Kumail] That's correct.

Yes.

[Kumail] Why?

'Cause I love pigs.

[Kumail] Okay.

I love pigs and I don't believe people should eat pork.

Don't eat pork.

Is it true you were a part of the WWE for 20 years?

Just under 20 years, yes.

I miss it.

[Kumail] Do you miss it?

I miss it very much.

Do you miss wrestling this guy?

[Dave laughing]

I will.

I don't at this point 'cause it's still very fresh,

but yes, he was the best.

Do you miss wearing the wrestling outfit?

No.

Do you still wear a Speedo to swim?

Yes [laughing].

Which is why I don't miss it.

Do you ever stuff your Speedo?

Never.

Do guys do that?

I'm sure they do.

Okay, do you think I could take on any of the wrestlers,

the WWE wrestlers?

Yes, definitely.

Who?

Most of the current roster.

[Kumail and Dave laughing]

What do you think my wrestler name would be?

We talked about this. Yes we did.

It's Pak-Attack [laughing].

Have you ever watched the television show Glow?

Yes.

Do you know what Glow stands for?

Awe, there she is.

Yeah, Betty.

Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling.

[Kumail] Gorgeous.

Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

Would you consider yourself to

be a gorgeous man of wrestling?

No [laughing].

Well bad news, everyone else does.

Okay [giggling].

Would you say Marvel fans are crazier than wrestling fans?

No, not even close.

[Kumail] Okay, here's a big question.

Okay.

Do you do pushups on set before the cameras role?

Not regularly.

But I have in my career, yes.

[Kumail] Yeah?

When it's a shirtless scene or something?

No, not even when it's a shirtless scene,

but I once was a,

I saw another guy doing push ups and I figured

[beep] him if he's gonna do push ups,

I'm gonna do push ups.

[Dave and Kumail laughing]

Who was the other guy?

I remember the movie, it was Man with the Iron Fist.

[Kumail] Yeah.

And I don't remember the actor.

Has he lied so far yet?

He has not lied yet.

I'm an honest person.

God, mine's gonna be bad.

Do you think if I followed your workout regiment,

I could be as big as you?

No [laughing].

That wasn't a lie was it?

[Tester] Mm-mm.

That was the truth.

No it's a matter of structure.

I am gorilla-esque person.

I have a big head.

I have big bones, big hands, long arms.

So genetically, no. That's correct.

But you could be a very muscular person.

You can stop answering the question.

[Dave laughing]

You answered it already.

Who would win in an arm wrestle?

Drax or Groot?

Groot.

[Kumail] Really?

Yes, I think he's stronger than Drax.

He's got that tree strength that--

Yeah I think Drax is just meaner than Groot.

He's more tenacious.

[Kumail] This is a tough one.

Okay.

What about wrestling match between you and this guy?

An arm wrestling match?

[Dave laughing]

[Kumail] Who would win?

Sorry Vin.

Not a chance. He should have flexed

for that picture.

But I love you buddy [lips smacking].

I love you dude, but not a chance.

[Kumail laughing]

Would I be a good addition to the MCU?

Yes.

Did you know I'm in the new Men in Black?

I did [laughing].

Next question is, are you jealous?

And that depends on whether or not you've been

to Rotten Tomatoes in the last couple of days.

No comment on the ratings that Men in Black is getting,

but yes, that you are a part of that franchise is,

I'm definitely jealous.

You are in the new movie, Stuber.

Is that correct?

[Dave] That is correct.

What was your first impression of me?

I thought you were a very warm human being.

You greeted me with a great big smile and you were excited

to meet me and that meant a lot.

First impressions are everything.

Do you have a good Uber rating?

I'm not aware of what my Uber rating is,

but I imagine, it's decent.

I'm a good tipper and a quiet passenger actually.

I don't fart in the car or anything.

[Kumail laughing]

I'm a very polite person.

Very polite passenger.

Do you think I have a good Uber rating?

You know the answer to this.

[Dave laughing]

You know the answer.

It's not good.

[Kumail] I don't have a good Uber rating.

How can anybody give you a bad rating?

If acting doesn't work out,

would you consider becoming an Uber driver?

Maybe, possibly.

I just don't think I'd be a good Uber driver.

[Kumail] Yeah.

But I'm a safe driver.

That might go a long way.

I'm just not a very conversational person,

which might go a long way as well.

Has he lied yet?

No.

He has not.

At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

Yes.

And what was that question?

It was do I remember who I did the push-ups for?

[Kumail] And who was it?

I don't wanna say.

[Dave laughing]

Because I love and respect this person very much.

Hold on.

Hold on one second.

Hold on, we're gonna continue this.

Real quick.

Was it the RZA?

It was the RZA.

Yeah, he was doing curls.

We were getting ready to do our fight scene,

he was doing curls.

And I was look, [beep] that man [laughing].

Yeah, well he's gonna have to do a lot of curls

to look like you.

All right, well you did great.

Thanks man [laughing].

[Ominous music]

I didn't do it.

You did it.

Admit it.

All right, first question.

We're just gonna start gauging this.

Make sure it's accurate.

Is your name Kumail Nanjiani?

Kamil Ali Nanjiani, yes.

All right, and were you born in Karachi, Pakistan?

I was.

Have you ever taken a lie detector test before?

I have.

Really?

Yeah.

[Dave] For what?

It was for a comedy show.

[Dave laughing]

You had to take a lie detector test while doing stand up.

You weren't accused of a crime?

No, I've never been accused of a crime.

[Kumail laughing] Okay, let's get started.

So you moved to the United States when you were 18.

Is that correct?

18 or 19 yeah.

Somewhere around there.

And did you do very cliche American activities

when you first moved here?

Such as what?

Eating apple pie and going to baseball games?

I did not go to baseball games.

[Dave laughing]

But I do love apple pie.

[Dave laughing]

Did you buy any I heart New York gear?

No, the only I heart thing I have

is an I heart Singapore T-shirt.

Got you.

And you moved here to go to college?

This is correct.

Would you say you had a true American college experience?

I mean I wasn't like partying or I wasn't in a frat

or anything like that, but I had a great--

So the answer is no.

The answer is no.

[Dave laughing]

Would you say your experience was more

Revenge of the Nerds or Animal House?

Oh, I would say more Revenge of the Nerds

if what they're getting at is that I was a nerd.

Yes, I was a nerd.

I was not an animal.

If those are the two options.

Nor are animals are nerds.

Some of us are nerds and some of us are animals.

Nice--

[Kumail laughing] You're an actual animal.

It worked out right?

Yeah.

Yeah, [both laughing] it worked out.

Do you think we would have been friends in college?

I would like to think so.

Me too.

Do you think you would have helped me get good grades?

You wouldn't need my help to get good grades?

[Dave] Yes I would [laughing].

You would?

Then I would help you.

Would you let me cheat off your test?

Yes.

[Dave] You would?

Yeah.

I love you dude.

I used to help people cheat all the time.

Is it true your first flirted with your now wife

by writing her name in Urdu?

That's correct.

That's correct.

Slick dude, you got game.

I have no game.

Did I ever tell you that?

What are you talking about?

[Dave] Zero game.

I don't buy that.

[Dave] Yeah, I swear to God.

I know things.

Do you still use that move to get people to like you?

[Kumail] No.

No [Dave laughing].

Just with Emily.

Now it's in the movie.

Everyone knows it's my move.

All right, why have you never written my name in Urdu?

I could do it today.

[Dave] Sweet, that's my tattoo.

Yeah.

Do you speak Urdu? Yes.

Am I pronouncing that right?

Urdu yeah. Urdu yeah.

Yeah.

Can you teach me a phrase?

Yeah, what phrase do you want?

Suck my [beep] in Urdu.

I use that a lot on Twitter, so.

Suck my [beep].

Yeah, so now I can use it without--

[speaking foreign language]

[Dave laughing]

[speaking foreign language]

That's right.

All right, means translated, suck my [beep].

All right, before you married your wife,

did you ever use dating apps?

No.

[Dave] No?

I tried, but I never went out on a date with one.

It was like before that.

It was early on.

So I would go on and look around, but I never--

[Dave] Fool around with the idea.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think I might have met someone on like Myspace or

Friendster or something like that.

Myspace [Dave laughing].

This is great.

Do you think modern technology is ruining romance?

No. No.

If I were on Tinder,

what would you write in my bio?

Oh really?

See I don't, 'cause I never did it,

I don't know what's good to write.

I would just say I'm David Bautista.

What more do you want?

[Dave laughing]

That's pretty much the amount of my game.

Would you swipe right on me?

Yes.

[Dave laughing]

All right, your wife was a therapist

and your father is a psychiatrist,

is that correct?

That is correct.

She doesn't practice anymore.

Gotcha.

So would you call yourself emotionally intelligent?

Sometimes.

I think all the time.

I think you're super and emotionally intelligent.

Oh thank you. Super in touch.

All right, would you say you have

more emotional intelligence than intellectual intelligence?

Wow, that's a good question.

I don't know.

I'm trying to have more emotional intelligence,

but I do think I, I do consider myself smart.

But emotional intelligence is something I'm trying

to work on.

Would you say your wife uses the phrase,

And how does that make you feel? a lot?

[Kumail laughing] No, she doesn't.

She does not.

She basically gets that across without saying that phrase

'cause she knows I'm looking out for that phrase.

She's got my number.

She knows what to do.

[Dave laughing]

Would you call me emotionally intelligent?

[Kumail] Yes.

[Dave laughing]

If I started to cry right now,

would you be able to handle it?

Yeah. Yeah.

What would you do?

I'd, whatever, I'd listen to you,

I'd put an arm around your shoulder.

I'd get a step stool and then put my arm

around your shoulder.

[Dave laughing]

You are super emotionally intelligent dude.

What about this man, Judd Apatow.

Yeah, what about him?

I think he's great.

[Dave] He is great.

I'd love to work with him again.

He was a producer on Big Sick correct?

Big Sick.

Do you think he's funny?

Yes.

Do you think he's funnier than me?

Is he funnier than you?

It's different kinds of funny.

Did he ever crack a joke that wasn't funny,

but you laughed anyway just to be nice?

Yes.

[Dave laughing]

He's Judd Apatow.

[Dave] He's Judd Apatow.

Yeah.

I don't blame you.

I would have done the same thing.

This is why we get along.

We get each other man.

Okay you play a Uber driver in our new movie, Stuber.

And you played a part time Uber driver in The Big Sick.

But you've never been an Uber driver in real life.

Is that correct?

This is correct.

Did you do ride alongs with the Uber drivers

to prep for roles?

Not for this movie, no.

[Dave] No.

Do you have Uber Elite status?

I don't know what that is.

[Dave] I don't think I know what that is either.

What, what's Uber elite? Uber elite.

Well it's not really what it is, but--

Yeah and now, I know there's a thing called

like a Subway Black Black Card,

where you get like free sandwiches everyday or something.

Yeah, they have a Nando's Black too.

Oh do you have that?

I don't have one, no.

Do you have any of these?

No I just kind of go and pay like everybody else.

Yeah me too.

I always feel like if you they give you something,

then you owe 'em something.

Right, that's right, that's exactly right.

Yeah, so, but I do love Nando's.

[Dave laughing]

Sorry, now I'm thinking about food.

At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

I didn't mean to.

Is that a yes.

It's I don't think I lied.

I don't think you did either.

Sir?

Did he lie? Did I lie?

No.

You're not a liar.

[Dave laughing] Great.

I don't think I lie. You're an honest man.

[ominous music]