She’s already the Duchess of Sussex, but could Meghan Markle also have her eye on becoming Queen of Tasty Spreads and Dips? According to the trademark filing for her mysterious new lifestyle brand, American Riviera Orchard, the answer is not no. The original filing mentions cracker toppers of the fruit, legume, nut, oil, sesame, and garlic-based varieties, an absolute spreadable delight for your taste buds. 

Meghan could also be positioning herself to become your go-to supplier for tableware, cookbooks of the e- and printed varieties, coffee cups, decanters, table place card holders, tablecloths, and fabric gift wrap. After all, you can’t have a dip without a spoon, no?

But that’s not all. All of the above could plausibly fit in the same aisle of a bougie yet tasteful boutique. Not so much for more recent updates to the filings for the tri-named brand, which offers quite the spread (of the non-edible variety) of possible products.

Take a deep breath, the list is not a short one. Among many additional products, ARO could offer garden tools like hand trowels, decorative string lights, letter-openers and stationery, complete with embossers and seals, journals, cocktail napkins, washi tape, pet leashes and collars, tote bags, pillows for people and pets, plant seeds, soap, jewelry, dog beds, “decorative crystal prisms,” aromatherapy oil diffusers, kitchen tongs, empty glass jars, bird baths and feeders, beach towels, yoga mats, meditation cushions, holders for matches, bird seed, mayonnaise, and salad dressing.

So plausibly, American Riviera Orchard could supply you with everything you need to maintain a bullet journal detailing your day-to-day activities including walking your dog, watching birds enjoy your fairy-light strewn yard with hand-cultivated and lovingly tended plants, meditating near your lovely crystal (kept in a jar for vibes), and then making a nice BLT sandwich to warm up for your charcuterie spread, which you will enjoy after penning a letter to your grandmother on your personalized stationery.

Oh, and a tote bag to put it all in. Obviously.

Has anyone checked to see if fellow vibey Montecito homeowner Gwyneth Paltrow is OK lately? These spreads are feeling a little Goopy, if you know what I’m saying.

Meghan and her husband, Prince Harry, are an intriguing side plot to the drama happening overseas with the British royal family they left in dramatic fashion in 2020. While the remaining working royals face medical turmoil, with the recent announcements of the cancer diagnoses of both King Charles III and Kate Middleton, Harry remains estranged from his brother Prince William, the next in line for the throne. The Fab Four of yore, this is not. Meghan launched the Instagram page for American Riviera Orchard, bearing a logo that looks an awful lot like a royal cypher, on March 14, the four-year anniversary of the day that the couple and their young son, Prince Archie, and Meghan’s mother, Doria Ragland, secretly flew from Canada to Tyler Perry’s California home, thanks to an assist from none other than Oprah. That week, Kate had not yet shared her health news, and speculation was still coming fast and furious about her status and whereabouts, spurred on by mishigas surrounding the release of an edited Mother’s Day photo on the Waleses’s official social media accounts.

The Instagram account for American Riviera Orchard has already racked up north of a half-million followers, despite the lack of information, and has already inspired at least one copycat. Another former trademark application for the name “American Riviera,” abandoned in 2019, is also a reference to Meghan and Harry’s adopted hometown of Montecito, California, but that brand’s proposed offerings, primarily around vape pens, “herbs for smoking,” “tobacco alternatives,” and associated accouterments, are somewhat different from what Meghan appears to have in mind. And, no, it isn’t an earlier idea of hers: It’s not registered under her Mama Knows Best, LLC umbrella, as her nascent brand is.