Jack Whitehall Takes a Lie Detector Test

Put your hands up high, please.

I shave myself from the neck down, like a dolphin.

[soft suspenseful tones] [straps creaking]

So there's literally nothing sticks onto my flesh?

No. The only thing you're gonna feel

So I shaved my chest, for no good reason?

[buttons clicking]

Is there a safe word?

Could I have a safe word?

[Interrogator] What would you like the safe word to be?

Avocado.

[Interrogator] Avocado?

Dressed as one today.

[title card bangs]

[Interrogator] Is your name Jack Whitehall?

My name is Jack Whitehall.

[Interrogator] Are you a comedian?

I am a comedian.

Although recently I've been trying to be an actor.

[Interrogator] How's that going for you?

I think people would still see me as a comedian.

[Interrogator] Are you about to take a polygraph exam?

I'm about to take a polygraph exam.

[Interrogator] Are you nervous?

I am a little nervous.

[Interrogator] Why?

Um, I think it's the dark room,

the setup, being strapped to a chair.

None of it really feels very natural.

[Interrogator] We are going to start with your career.

[stamp bangs]

Do you think you're funny?

I think I am funny,

but it sort of depends on the room.

Like this set up,

I would say is what a comedian

might describe as a tough crowd.

[Interrogator] Can you tell me a joke?

[sighs] Well, we're talking about my career.

I think that is a bit of a joke, in itself.

[Interrogator] Who is the funniest person, you ever met?

Jim Carey is one of my comedy heroes.

I met him.

John Cleese.

[Interrogator] Do you think you're funnier than them?

Nope.

[Interrogator] You hosted the Brit awards in 2020.

I did.

[Interrogator] Have you ever considered

becoming a late night host?

I have not considered becoming a late night host.

[Interrogator] Do you think you'd be a better host

than this man?

Oh no.

No, I do not think I'd be a better late night host.

He's not being completely truthful.

Maybe I'd be a better late night host. [chuckles]

I've got to go on his show in a week.

No, I, he's great.

He's...

I would not be as good as him.

That was the bit of this,

that I've liked the least, thus far.

[Interrogator] Is it true you auditioned for Harry Potter,

in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?

That is true.

But I did not get the role.

They chose Emma Watson.

[Interrogator] Do you remember what line you had to read,

at your audition?

Ooh?

I don't know.

Let me out from under the stairs?

That was the scene.

Wasn't it? In the first one,

he gets locked in the cup...

Oh no, sorry,

I'm just having a childhood memory.

[Interrogator] Why didn't you get the role?

I didn't get the role because I was a lousy actor,

as a child.

I mean, some may say I'm a lousy actor as an adult, as well,

but as a child, I was definitely pretty bad.

I didn't read the book, that is correct.

You know, that one was always going to get made into a film.

So I may as well have just waited to see the film.

That was my approach to it.

But then I got the audition, to actually be in the film.

Which is kind of like a catch 22,

another book, that I haven't read.

[Interrogator] Do you regret not reading it before?

I Do regret it.

It was an error.

Clifford, The Big Red Dog,

read that one.

Yep.

[Interrogator] You found out your character

was cut from Frozen,

are you still bitter?

No.

I'm not, I'm not bitter about it.

I've let it go.

Yes. He's telling the truth.

Did you get that joke?

[Polygraph Examiner] Excuse me?

Let it go.

♪ Let it go ♪

[Polygraph Examiner] I got it, I got it.

Okay, just a, he's an inward laugher.

[Interrogator] You've talked about

how you feel you bombed at Prince Charles's Christmas party.

Yes.

[Interrogator] Did you consider yourself a failure,

in the eyes of the British Empire?

Oh, wow.

Yes. I do.

I, again, that was another example of tough crowd.

I told him that I'd been at school with Kate Middleton,

and that I had considered her the one that got away,

and that did not play well in that room.

And then commended Harry, on his bravery in Afghanistan,

unfortunately followed that up,

by saying that his bravery, in my eyes,

had been that a ginger had been in that heat,

for that amount of time,

and that that was something that he should be commended for.

Think he enjoyed it.

[Interrogator] Did you like the Royal Family,

before that set?

I did like the Royal Family. Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you think they have

a good sense of humor?

Yes. I think they do.

He's not telling the truth.

Okay, no maybe they don't,

because they didn't really laugh.

He told me afterwards, Prince Charles,

that I was funnier than the contortionist,

that they'd had the year before, at their Christmas party.

So...

[Interrogator] Let's move on to your life.

[stamp bangs]

You dropped out of the University of Manchester.

Whoa.

Starting there?

None of the bit before,

when I was at school,

and didn't drop out,

you're going to go straight for the...

Okay.

[Interrogator] Were your parents happy about that?

No.

[Interrogator] Was that the first time

you disappointed them?

That was not the first time that I disappointed them.

[Interrogator] When did you really disappoint them?

When I flunked my exams, when I was younger,

and also my failure to really take off, as a child actor,

I think that upset them.

[Interrogator] When you were in school,

did you ever cheat on a test?

I did cheat on a test, yes.

[Interrogator] So you were caught?

I wasn't caught, but,

I unsuccessfully cheated.

I wrote down all of the answers, on my inner thighs,

and then went to the bathroom halfway through the exam.

And then when I pulled down my trousers,

I'd sweated so much, that it had all smudged.

So I didn't have any of the answers written there.

I just had Smurf legs.

Sorry, was I over sharing?

[Interrogator] Who's your favorite Smurf?

Papa Smurf.

Yes. He's telling the truth.

[Interrogator] You have one sister and one brother.

That's what I know of, yes.

But my father was quite prolific in the 1970s and 80s,

So there may be more out there.

[Interrogator] Do you know

who your parents' favorite child is?

Yes.

It's my sister.

[Interrogator] Do you think one day,

you could be your parents' favorite?

If I bared them an heir.

[Interrogator] How's that going?

Not great, to be honest.

Some attempts have been made, but thus far,

well, I mean,

I'm not trying to have a child,

but I have done the thing that leads to that,

but just, never...

I regret getting this far with this answer.

Yeah. He's telling the truth.

Yeah. Just conformation, that I'm not a virgin. [snorts]

[Interrogator] Your brother's name is Barnaby.

And your middle name is Benedict.

Is it possible to be too British?

[laughs] Yes.

I think it may be possible to be too British.

Do you often complain,

that you can't get a decent cup of tea in the US?

I do complain that I can't get a decent cup of tea,

in the US,

but I travel with tea.

[Interrogator] What kind of tea?

PG Tips,

or Yorkshire tea.

And I pack it with me, in my bag, wherever I go.

And Marmite.

Although Marmite, technically, you're not meant

to bring into the US.

So I have to smuggle that.

[Interrogator] So you are a smuggler.

I would say that is the only time,

I've ever broken the law,

is smuggling Marmite, across the border.

Sorry.

Yes. He's telling the truth.

I didn't put it in my bag though.

[Interrogator] How do you travel with it?

In nature's pocket.

Is the stereotype that British people have bad teeth

offensive to you?

It's not, because I think I have quite good teeth,

for a Brit.

My father likes to remind me,

that he spent thousands of pounds on my orthodontistry.

Actually went to the same orthodontist

as Prince Harry and Prince William.

[Interrogator] Impressive.

Perfectly straight.

[Interrogator] You traveled the world with this man?

Yes.

It's Voldemort from Harry Potter, right?

Oh, no, sorry.

My father, yes.

[Interrogator] Do you enjoy traveling with your father?

[sniggers] Yes.

He's not telling the truth there.

Mm.

[Interrogator] Did you ever just want to

leave him at the airport?

[sniggers] Yes, on occasion,

I have felt like I'd like to leave him at the airport.

[Interrogator] Do you consider yourself

someone with daddy issues?

Yes, I'm probably the poster boy for daddy issues.

[Interrogator] One of your favorite books,

is Love, Sex and Other Foreign Policy Goals,

which are you better at?

Love, sex or foreign policy?

Love.

[Interrogator] Jack. We know you're lying.

[Jack stuttering]

Speak up!

Sex, yes.

He's telling the truth.

I'm a very, very, compassionate,

generous, and successful love maker.

[Interrogator] You're a lifelong Arsenal fan.

I am.

[Interrogator] Do you think Arsenal

has a chance of winning the Premier League, this year?

Not a hope in hell.

[Interrogator] Have you lost faith in your team?

I have lost faith in my team,

but it's the best way to support them.

It's the hope that kills you.

[Interrogator] Do you think you would be

a better team owner than these men?

I think I would not be as good a team owner,

as these gentlemen,

because I would not, at this stage of my life,

have quite as much financial clout.

[Interrogator] Jack. Do you think you dress well?

I think I dress well, when assisted.

When unassisted, there have been some errors of judgment.

I will share with you this,

on holiday, I like to rock out with my Croc out.

[Interrogator] Now let's move on to pop culture.

[stamp bangs]

Do you think you would make a better Batman than this man.

Oh,

I do not think I would be a better Batman than this man.

I've always thought my best acting is from here up,

rather than there, but that's,

this is where it works for me,

and then that, is problematic,

because I've got a weak chin.

Hence the beard and the turtleneck.

He's very good like, there.

In fact, the perfect actor might be him from there, down,

and me, from there, up.

[Interrogator] Do you still have beef

with Robert Pattinson?

I have laid that to rest.

I respect him,

and you know, we're both doing our thing.

It was pointed out to me,

by maybe a hundred people, on Twitter,

that on the day that Robert Pattinson's Batman trailer

was launched,

the trailer for Clifford the Big Red Dog was launched.

A trailer in which, Clifford the big red dog urinates on me.

And a lot of people commented on Twitter, about that.

And I think they were commenting on the fact,

that we're both doing great.

Funny little coincidence,

but I'm not unhappy for him.

That's not true.

Okay, it's not true.

[Interrogator] Don't you think it's time to move on?

It is probably time to move on,

and there's so many other actors,

that they could move on to.

Oh, you meant me move on?

Sorry. I thought you meant the DC Universe.

It is probably time to move on.

[Interrogator] Can you give us your best Batman voice.

Where is she?

That was not him? That's the Christian Bale.

[Interrogator] You interviewed Lizzo at the Brit Awards.

I did.

[Interrogator] Do you think this man has a shot with her?

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

[Interrogator] Do you think he's better looking than you?

Yeah, I think he probably is.

He's sort of what I would look like,

if I went to the gym,

and drank less wine.

[Interrogator] Have you ever gone to a gym?

I have.

Once. It was a lovely experience.

[Interrogator] Also at the Brit Awards,

you took a sip of Harry Styles' drink.

I did.

[Interrogator] You claimed it to be straight tequila.

Was that true?

It was straight tequila.

[Interrogator] Do people usually get extremely drunk

at award shows?

In Britain? Yes.

[Interrogator] You also told Harry Styles,

that One Direction's Up all night,

is your Sergeant Pepper.

Was that true?

That is not true.

[Interrogator] Then why did you say it?

Because I was trying to endear myself to him, because,

I admire him.

[Interrogator] Do you have a favorite member

of One Direction?

Yes.

Little Niall.

The wee fella.

With the blonde hair.

I think you sort of love Niall,

because you look at him and you think,

that's great.

Anyone could do this,

if they applied themselves.

[Interrogator] Have you applied yourself?

No.

But I sort of look at Niall,

and I think, if I wanted to be in a boy band,

I probably could.

And I think he gives that hope to millions.

[Interrogator] Did Zayn leaving the band,

ruin everything?

Yes, it did.

That was the beginning of the end.

[Interrogator] Do you enjoy the music of this person?

I do enjoy the music of Dua Lipa.

[Interrogator] How would you describe

your friendship with her?

I have given her many awards, at the Brits.

She's been the dominant force, during my tenure,

as the host of the Brit Awards.

[Interrogator] Have you heard the rumor,

that you two were once more than friends?

I have not heard such a rumor,

but I did, at one point,

express feelings towards her father,

who is literally, the hottest dad I've ever seen.

I have dad envy of this lady, here.

[Interrogator] So more daddy issues?

Yes.

Well, maybe that's why.

How's the heart rate now?

Going fast. Going fast, yeah.

[Polygraph Examiner] Almost there.

Yeah.

[Interrogator] Final question.

Final question.

[Interrogator] At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

Yes.

Obviously it's Harry Styles.

No one's favorite is Niall.

Not even Niall.

I just feel bad,

'cause I always throw him under the bus at everything.

We nearly got through an interview,

without me making jokes at his expense.

And also I just get absolutely fucking savaged,

by all of his fans,

whenever I do this.

And so now this is going to go out,

and it'll be again, them trolling me,

for the next 10 days,

probably with pictures of Robert Pattinson as Batman.

[Interrogator] Would you like to apologize?

Yes, I'd like to apologize.

I love Niall Horan.

He's great.

I respect him as an artist.

Oh no, no, you, don't say anything.

I'm not even gonna comment, on that one.

Don't even comment.

[title bangs]