Nick Kroll Takes a Lie Detector Test

I come stacked.

Do you think I'm gonna walk

into this lie detector test alone?

I have my publicist here.

I have my assistant here.

[dramatic music] I have four attorneys here.

I've got my dog here, my dog's trainer here.

My dog's trainer's lawyer.

I come ready.

[plugs clicking]

[buttons clicking] [static cracking]

[tense dramatic music]

[strap clicks]

I'm totally relaxed.

[tense dramatic music]

[Interrogator] Oh, hello.

Oh, hello.

[Interrogator] Is your full name Nicholas Kroll?

No.

I have a middle name.

It's James, Nicholas James Kroll.

[Interrogator] Are you from Rye, New York?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Are you ready

to take this lie detector test?

Oh [sighs].

It's such a complicated question to ask.

I think I've come to a point in my life where I am ready

to take the Vanity Fair lie detector test.

[papers rustling]

[Interrogator] Let's start

with your career. [tense dramatic music]

You were in a comedy duo with this guy, John Mulaney.

I've never seen this person in my life.

That's not true.

Shit.

[Interrogator] Do you think you're funnier than him?

No.

I think John Mulaney's funnier than I am.

I'm not even gonna look

at her 'cause I know she's team Mulaney.

[Interrogator] What about this woman, Keke Palmer?

She's funny.

[inhales sharply] I think I'm pretty funny, so it's hard.

You know what I mean?

I think I'm pretty funny.

Can you tell me whether I'm lying or not so I can talk

to my therapist about this?

That's true.

Yeah.

[Interrogator] Did you see Keke's lie detector test?

I saw a clip of it, the Ariana Grande moment.

She's known her for quite some time.

Why don't you ask me if I think I'm funnier

than Ariana Grande?

[Interrogator] Do you think you're funnier

than Ariana Grande?

I do.

However, I've seen her do those impressions on Fallon.

She's really good at it.

[Nick sighing]

I don't have the voice.

That's the difference between me and Ariana Grande.

She's got the voice.

So, when she's doing those impressions,

she can nail those singing impressions.

That's not my forte.

My forte is Will Forte impressions.

Hi.

How are you today?

I'm not lying.

Am I lying?

[Examiner] You're telling the truth.

Yeah, that's goddamn right I'm telling the truth.

[Interrogator] Finally, are you funnier than this man,

Jon Hamm?

Than Jon Hamm?

Yeah, I'm funnier than Jon Hamm.

Do you want

to ask me if I think I'm better looking than Jon Hamm?

[Interrogator] Do you think you're better looking

than Jon Hamm?

Yes.

Am I telling the truth?

No.

[laughs] No.

I'd rather fuck Jon Hamm than myself.

[Interrogator] Your show, Big Mouth,

is based on your experiences going through puberty.

Yes, which I have gone through.

[Interrogator] Do you think the best comedy comes

from painful experiences?

[Nick breathes deeply]

I mean, I think a lot of good comedy comes

from painful experiences, but I think it's,

I don't think it's true that you have to have gone

through painful things to be funny,

or that comedy only comes through pain.

This is slightly painful, this experience.

So, I hope it's amusing to some, but not all.

I don't want everyone to think I'm funny.

That's a lie.

Fuck.

[Interrogator] Between, Big Mouth and Human Resources,

you voice around 40 characters.

Yeah.

[Interrogator] Is there a voice that your wife hates

to hear at home?

[Nick breathes deeply]

She doesn't really like Gil Faizon from, Oh, Hello.

[Interrogator] Can we hear it?

Yeah.

[lips smacking] [Nick grunting]

Oh, hello.

For some reason she doesn't find that super hot.

[Interrogator] Is there a voice she really loves?

I don't think she minds the hormone monster.

I think she kind of likes that one.

The question is, does the lie detector like it?

[Interrogator] You've said the voice

in your head sounds like this guy.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Who's this, Jason Statham?

Yeah, it does.

I want to work on my smirk like Statham.

It's like, it's so minimal.

Just a little curl of lip, innit?

Just a little taste of this thing,

knowing at any point I could break your fucking neck.

Am I lying right now?

No, I'm not.

That's right, I'm not lying.

[Interrogator] Is he the only voice you hear

in your inner monologue?

[exhales sharply] No.

Inconclusive.

That's right [laughs].

That's right, inconclusive.

You wish.

You wish you could get to the bottom of me.

Sweetheart, you'd have to wear a scuba tank to get

to the bottom of me.

Okay?

[Interrogator] You're working

on History of the World, Part II

with your comedy hero, Mel Brooks.

Yes.

Mel Brooks.

[Interrogator] Would you consider yourself an expert

in all things Mel Brooks?

I think I'm pretty well versed in Mel Brooks.

[Interrogator] Do you know his real last name?

Yes, it is Melvin Kaminsky.

Like if I'm telling the truth in that I think

it's Melvin Kaminsky, but you don't know if

that's true or not.

So, what's this fucking charade that we're doing here?

Is that true?

Yes, that's true.

That's what the machine is reading.

[Nick laughing]

Machine says it's true.

[Interrogator] Speaking of Mel Brooks,

have you heard the expression never meet your heroes?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you think someone who considers you

their comedy hero would be disappointed if they met you?

[sighs] Oh, I think it's really in the context

with which they meet me.

If I'm like at the airport with my child,

I think it's gonna be a disappointment meeting me.

They're like, oh, my God, you're my hero.

I'll be like, get the fuck away from me and my child.

But if I've had like two or three drinks,

and we're backstage at a show, come on.

Ain't nothing gonna beat a hang with Nicky Kroll.

[Interrogator] You created the Kroll Show,

which ran on Comedy Central for three seasons.

Yes.

[Interrogator] It wasn't canceled.

It wasn't canceled.

[Interrogator] Do you think it's better

to quit while you're ahead?

I think so.

I think it's great to quit.

[Interrogator] Do you ever wish you could be more

like this man in real life?

Do I wish I could be like Bobby Bottleservice?

Yes.

[Interrogator] What's his best quality?

Are you joking me, bro?

What's his best quality, bro?

Fucking absolutely annihilating a lie detector test, bro.

I would get 100.

I would get 100 on a lie detector test today,

and then fucking skiddoo out of here, bro.

[Interrogator] Moving on

to pop culture. [tense dramatic music]

You're in the movie Don't Worry Darling.

Mm-hmm.

[Interrogator] Harry Styles said you smell

like sweet summer plums.

Do you agree?

Yeah, I love stone fruits,

like love stone fruits, peaches, plums, apricots.

[Interrogator] What fruit does Harry smell like?

I guess watermelon sugar high.

I don't know what Harry smells like, but Harry smells good.

What was your next question?

[Interrogator] You kissed Harry at the Venice premiere.

That's not true.

Harry kissed me.

[Interrogator] Is he a good kisser?

Yeah.

[Interrogator] Would he say the same about you?

Yeah

My voice went up, but I'm telling the truth.

You are telling the truth.

See?

Goddamn right I am.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What if that's how this lie detector is?

They just like measured the level of your voice.

Are you a virgin?

No.

I've done it a lot.

I've done it with a lot of people.

I haven't just done it alone.

I'm not a virgin.

Yes?

[Interrogator] You have one million followers

on Instagram.

1.1, yeah.

[Interrogator] Do you ever hesitate before you post?

All the time.

[Interrogator] What about when you posted this picture?

[Nick laughing] [crew laughing]

I did not.

I did not hesitate when I posted this picture.

The weird thing is, not in this particular picture,

but there's another picture that I have of myself with this

in this moment where I kind of think I do look hot.

[Nick laughing]

People said, and then I said it,

that I look like if Jeff Ross fucked Judd Apatow.

My initial thought was I looked more like Bert Kreischer

and Judd Apatow.

The hat really adds a little something.

What happens is like my eyes get so swollen

that they push one of the eyes in.

So, I'm almost slightly cross-eyed.

But it's like, there's some that are like,

that guy that's kind of hot.

Let's just say I wouldn't, if I had to,

I would not choose to look like this.

That's true.

[Interrogator] You're also active on Twitter.

Will you stay

on Twitter if this man, [Nick laughing]

Elon Musk, successfully purchases the platform?

He really looks like who he is.

It's like if you're like, well,

who's the weird billionaire who's trying to take

over one of the sources of information and news?

This is what he looks like.

You know what I mean?

I'd cast Elon Musk, but I will, yes,

I will stay on the platform if he gets it.

I'll stay on the platform.

I mean, can I ask a question?

Would I have a child with Elon Musk?

[Interrogator] Would you have a child with Elon Musk?

For the right price.

[Interrogator] Would you let him name your

child something incomprehensible?

Of course I would let Elon Musk name my child.

Of course I would.

True.

I'd like to name one of Elon's children.

I'd name him 10 'cause I think

that's what numbered kid he's on.

Why am I fucking with the most like powerful man

in the world?

He seems to have a sense of humor.

Right? [laughs]

I think Elon Musk has a sense of humor.

That's true.

Yeah.

Whose sense, I'm not sure, but he has a sense of humor.

It's like after having Covid.

It's like, I have a sense of smell.

[Nick laughing]

That's not true.

I do think he has a sense of humor.

I think he has no empathy.

[Interrogator] Are you on TikTok?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you know who this person is?

Yeah, I mean I think it's...

This is, is this Addison Rae?

Someone pinned this woman to a bunch of flowers,

and they should let her down.

And then they took pictures of her?

That seems cruel.

Okay, yes, I know who Addison Rae is.

[Interrogator] What about her?

[Nick laughing]

So, I think this is...

I thought this was Kylie Jenner first.

My first instinct was this is Kylie Jenner before [strains].

But it's not, it's...

This is one of the D'Amelio sisters.

They have a show coming out on Hulu.

I saw that on a billboard.

[Interrogator] Will you watch?

Every single frame.

[Nick laughing]

No, but I'll get stoned one night and watch like 15 minutes,

and be like, wow, here we are,

and then I'll forget about it.

[Interrogator] How about him?

Do you know who this is?

Yes.

I don't know how to pronounce his name,

but I want to say Khabebe?

Khaby.

Yeah.

He's done quite well by it.

[Interrogator] [papers rustling] Let's talk

about your life. [tense dramatic music]

You met your wife on Raya.

Is that the only app you've used?

I mean, I've used a lot of apps.

[Interrogator] Is that the only dating app you've used?

The only dating app?

Yes, that's the only dating app I've used.

The question is, have I used other apps as dating apps?

[Interrogator] Have you ever used other apps

as dating apps?

No.

[Interrogator] So, you didn't use The League?

Didn't I use The League,

like fantasy football as a dating app?

[Interrogator] There's a dating app called The League.

Oh, there's a dating app called The League?

Do I see any fucking money off of that?

Doubt it.

Here's what I can tell you.

If someone's picture is Ruxin

on the dating app The League, stay away.

'Cause that means that person has a sourness in their soul.

[Interrogator] You have a son.

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you consider yourself a jaddy?

A jaddy?

[Interrogator] Do you know what a jaddy is?

Yeah, I know it 'cause of Gelman, Brett Gelman.

He posts himself as a jaddy, right?

Jewish daddy, I'm assuming?

[Interrogator] Jewish zaddy.

Jewish zaddy.

Yeah, okay, I think I'm a Jewish zaddy.

I think I'm a jaddy.

[Interrogator] Do you have to actually be a father

to be a jaddy?

Being a a jaddy, being a zaddy,

being a daddy is all state of mind.

That's true.

The machine says true, hmm.

[Interrogator] Your son inspired the name

of your new special Little Big Boy.

Are you going to share any of the profits?

[Nick sputtering]

Yeah, I think legally, I mean,

I think I have now share all my profits with my child.

[Nick laughing]

Right?

Is there a way that I cannot?

Machine, is there a way that I cannot share my profits

with my child?

I love that lie detector machines look

like they have not changed in like 100 years.

[Interrogator] Are you a helicopter parent?

No.

My son is struggling to learn the word helicopter.

[Interrogator] What about a lighthouse parent?

I would consider myself a lighthouse jaddy.

I'm a guiding light for anyone looking

for a Jewish zaddy out there.

Cape Cod potato chips have a lighthouse on their bag,

and in that case, I am a lighthouse parent in

that I like eating salt and vinegar Cape Cod potato chips

and have for many years.

He's telling the truth.

I am telling the fucking truth.

Salt and vinnys.

[lips smacking] [Nick moaning]

[Interrogator] Two last questions.

Yes.

[Interrogator] One, has this interview been more painful

than when you were on Hot Ones?

[Nick babbling]

Yeah, it has been a little more painful than being

on Hot Ones.

But Hot Ones, I walked home afterwards.

I was in Midtown Manhattan.

I ate like 15 of the hottest wings I've ever eaten,

and then I walked home thinking I'd like walk 'em off,

and I got like [laughs] 10 blocks, and I was like,

we not done with these Hot Ones.

[Nick laughing]

There's a hot one coming.

[crew laughing] [Nick laughing]

So, I had to like jump in a cab.

[Interrogator] Okay, so final question.

Did you lie at any point during this lie detector test,

and we didn't catch you?

[exhales sharply] I don't know.

I've lied a bunch.

I've lied a lot.

But inside of those lies, there's a lot of truth.

Inconclusive.

Inconclusive? [laughs]

I should go commit some fucking crimes,

[crew laughing]

or at least get a recurring on Law and Order.

Bum bum.

[tense dramatic music]