Tiffany Haddish Takes a Lie Detector Test

So do I gotta take my jacket off?

[Man] Nope.

Okay.

[Man] Arms up.

[metal clanging]

[Man] Is your name Tiffany Haddish?

Yes.

[Man] Where you born in Los Angeles, California?

Yes.

[Man] So you're an LA girl?

Yes.

[Man] Just like her?

Not like her but yes.

[Man] And you started your career

as a stand up comedian, correct?

Yes.

[Man] So you're confidant that you're funny?

Yes.

[Man] Funnier than me?

I don't know.

[Man] You starred on The Carmichael Show, correct?

Did I star on it? No, costarred.

[Man] Would you call that your big break?

No.

[Man] Are things just going to keep

getting bigger for you from this point on?

Yes.

[Man] Are you nervous right now?

Yes.

[Man] Ready to take a lie detector test?

Yes. [whispers] I'm not that nervous.

[whispers] I'm excited.

[Man] Are you worried we'll find something

you are trying to hide?

No.

[Man] Is there anything you want to admit before we begin?

I have to pee and I might need to take a number two.

[Man] First up, let's talk about your life.

You used to work in customer service

for Alaska Airlines, right?

Yes, Alaska Airlines. That is correct.

[Man] Would you say that you were good

at customer service?

I would say I'm excellent at customer service.

[Man] Do you think you're the type of person

who would get swindled into joining a cult?

[sigh] Yes and no.

It depends if it's a cute guy.

[Man] What if it was the illuminati?

Hell no.

[Man] So you're not a part of the illuminati?

No, I talk too much.

I tell the truth too much.

They would never.

[laughing]

I tell too much if that's even real, is that real?

Is the illuminati real?

We should look that up to find out.

[Man] [speaking in Japanese]

[answering in Japanese]

[Man] Can you tell a joke in Japanese?

[answering in Japanese]

[Man] You've become quite successful

over the past few years.

Would you say that success has changed you?

I don't think so.

[Man] Would anyone describe you as a diva?

No. I don't think so.

I haven't throw phones at nobody or anything.

Not yet anyways.

[Man] What has been your most ridiculous

green room request?

My most ridiculous green room request?

[Man] Yeah.

Five hour energy drinks?

[Man] That's it?

I mean I don't have ...

Gluten free chips maybe?

[Man] Interesting.

I asked for gluten free chips

and you know what they bring me in certain states?

Tortillas. Straight up corn tortillas.

Where they do that at?

Places that don't have gluten free chips.

[Man] You ever tell a joke at a bar mitzvah?

At bar mitzvahs? Multiples.

[Man] Clean jokes?

Clean jokes, yes.

And I was an energy producer, that was my type.

[Man] Could you tell us one of those family friendly

jokes right now?

Family friendly joke? Yes.

My name is Tiffany, like the diamonds,

but I don't have no diamonds,

I wish I did.

Maybe they should call me Iffany,

like if'n I had money I'd be Tiffany.

[Man] That's very funny.

That's what I would open with.

[Man] Have these family friendly jokes

ever led to someone dying?

Yes. I didn't kill him.

I didn't kill him, let's be honest.

I didn't kill him.

The energy, the electricity, the excitement,

he died on his own. He killed himself.

I just danced. Okay?

He didn't kill himself but I was dancing with him

and then he fell back, holding his hand over his chest,

with a smile on his face.

He didn't die there. At the hospital.

[Man] Would you say he died happy?

I'd like to think so, yes.

[Man] Do you ever google yourself?

Yes.

[Man] Are you happy with what you find?

Most of the time, yes.

[Man] Is there something about you that people

would be surprised to find out?

That my room is junky, yes.

[Man] All the time?

It's been the last two years.

My bedroom looks like a tornado hit it honey.

It looks like an episode outta Hoarders.

It's bad.

I have to sleep on top of my clothes.

Its quite depressing actually.

[Man] If someone were to categorize your hoarding

tendencies, they would say you're a stage ... ?

I would say like a stage two hoarder.

[Man] It's okay.

It's depressing.

Maybe stage four?

He made marks over there,

what the fuck does that mean?

[Man] Now let's dive into, your career.

So you titled your autobiography

The Last Black Unicorn?

Yes.

[Man] Is the unicorn your spirit animal?

Unicorn is not my ...

I don't know what my spirit animal is, to be honest.

I call myself that because I had a wart

growing out of my forehead as a young girl,

and people used to call me dirty ass unicorn.

And so I decided to take what they called me

and use it to my advantage.

And yeah, I am a unicorn.

I'm a magical creature.

There's a lot of people that cannot do what I can do.

And survive what I've survived.

So I'm a unicorn. [whispers] I'm special.

Put a mark next to that, bro.

[laughing]

[Man] You starred in the movie Girls Trip?

Yes. Well no, I costarred in Girls Trip.

[Man] Did you feel awkward shooting that

grapefruit and banana scene?

No, that grapefruit and banana scene

was super fun to shoot.

[Man] Did you have to do a lot of takes?

I think about eight or so.

Somewhere between eight and ten.

[Man] What would you say your best take was?

I would say my first take was the best take

because that's where Jada and Queen Latifah

spit out their food.

And then they decided not to eat during the take

because they was spitting every time.

[Man] Was this costar difficult to work with?

No, she was not.

She was fun to work with.

[Man] Does this woman make you laugh on set?

Yes, she does.

[Man] Did you or any of your costars,

during the filming of that movie,

do you anything that would be considered illegal?

I don't think so. No.

Well that's legal now.

No, I don't think so.

[Man] Really?

I mean, well we ...

No, that's not illegal. No.

[Man] Did that check out?

I'm trying to figure it out.

I don't know what it is.

[Man] Would you say that this man

is funnier than this man?

Did I break the machine?

Nope.

I don't know.

I couldn't call it.

Because one has a bigger vernacular than the other.

But then the other one ...

They both are equally funny.

I wouldn't say that one is more funnier than the other.

[Man] Which one has the bigger vernacular?

Keegan has the bigger vernacular.

He says a new word to you everyday that you never heard.

That you never even knew existed.

Then you have to go look it up.

He's like the word of the day dude.

[Man] Would you say you are funnier than this person?

Dave Chappelle.

No, I wouldn't say that I'm funnier than that person.

[Man] Do you intimately know this person?

Yes, I do.

[Man] When was the last time you saw her?

In Atlanta ... was that Atlanta?

No, in New York. When she performed in New York.

That's the last time I saw her,

but I saw her on TV the other day.

But the last time I saw her in person

was when she performed in New York.

It was New Jersey, actually, to be technically correct.

It's right next door, so ...

[Man] Is she a better cook than you?

I mean, her cooking is good.

And my cooking is better.

[Man] And if you were to change something

about her cooking to make it as good as yours,

you'd say?

I don't know.

I wouldn't change anything about her cooking.

It's not bad. It's good.

But mine is just better 'cause I do it with a smile.

I would suggest she smiles when she does it.

[Man] Okay, then let's move on to dating>

Mm hmm, okay.

[Man] Are you single?

Yes.

[Man] Do you enjoy dating?

Yes.

[Man] Would you ever date a fan?

Yes.

[Man] Have you ever dated a fan?

I'm gonna say yes, I'm not sure but yes.

I think anybody that likes me, is a fan.

Period.

[Man] Are you comfortable with paying on the first date?

No. But yes, but no.

I've done it but I don't like it.

[Man] Do you think there is ever an appropriate

time for you to pay on the first date?

No.

[Man] Do you think you could ever be

in an open relationship?

Hell yeah.

[Man] Are humans meant to be monogamous?

Yes and no. Some are, some aren't.

[Man] Does playing hard to get work for you?

Not for me.

[Man] So if you were at a party and

someone that you liked was there,

would you try to get their attention?

Most definitely.

[Man] How would you do that?

I'd walk right up to them and go hi!

How you doing?

[laughing]

It's me.

Then I'd walk away and then I'd pop back up again.

I'd just keep popping up like a bad penny.

Then I'd be like,

hey do you want to hang out with me sometime?

And hopefully they say yes.

Most guys they say, yeah sure,

but then they never answer your phone call.

[Man] Have you ever been on a dating app?

Yes.

[Man] What does your bio say?

That I like Arsenio Hall.

[laughing]

I'm a big Arsenio Hall fan.

[Man] Let's finish out with pop culture.

Did you take Will and Jada Smith on a Groupon tour?

Yes, I did.

[Man] On a scale of one to ten, how high were you?

Like a six, seven.

I was up there.

I was feeling really good.

[Man] How were the alligators?

They were cute.

They was just chilling. Just looking.

And then we throw out the marshmallows

and they go crazy for marshmallows.

I was saying to the cruise guy, the swamp guy,

well you guys keep giving these alligators marshmallows,

don't you think they might get diabetes?

[Man] And what did he say?

He said, They'll be fine.

[Man] Do you think you could ever become

Will and Jada rich?

That is my mission to become Will and Jada rich.

So yes, I believe it is possible.

I want to make $285,000,000.

[Man] That's quite a goal.

By the time I'm 50.

And then by the time I'm 60, $700,000,000.

[Man] That's it?

Yeah, $700,000,000 is good.

[Man] Do you manage your own Twitter?

Yes, I do.

[Man] Have you ever been in a Twitter feud?

Yes, I have.

[Man] Do you think it's better to ignore haters

or to engage?

It depends on who the hater is.

It depends on who the hater is.

I like to let them know that I see them,

because sometimes they try to hate

and they think you don't see them.

So I like to let them know they're being seen.

But my Twitter war was when Twitter first came out

and I got into with this kid.

I didn't know it was a kid.

Because they said Tiffany Haddish

should get hit by an ice cream truck and die.

So then, I said your Mom should have swallowed.

And then they said some more mean stuff.

And then I said some more mean stuff.

And then they said,

I don't know why you would talk to a 16 year old like this?

And I was like, well I don't know why you didn't put

that you was 16 in your bio?

But I apologize.

[Man] Okay, final question.

Throughout this entire interview,

did you tell anything that might be considered a lie?

I don't think so.

[Man] Have you been truthful this entire time?

I'm pretty sure I have, yes.

Have I?

[laughing]

He's thinking about it, maybe I talk too much?

[door slamming]