Hasan Minhaj Takes a Lie Detector Test

Okay, can you break down the science of how this works?

So wait, it tells via my breathing that I'm lying?

[Woman] All kinds of things,

breathing, skin conductivity, heart rate.

I'm gonna try to calm down.

[Woman] All you have to do is answer questions.

This is so weird.

[clicking]

[electrical zapping]

[clunk]

[Interviewer] Is your name Hasan Minhaj?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Are you from Davis, California?

Yes.

You're doing fine.

This is like the Birtherism questions,

like, were you really born here?

Were you really born in America?

[Interviewer] Are you nervous?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Have you ever taken

a lie detector test before?

No.

[Interviewer] Are you ready?

No.

[clunk]

[Interviewer] Let's start by talking about your life.

Okay, what?

[rustling] [clunk]

[Interviewer] Do you think your parents

have a favorite child?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Well, who is it?

100%, so mom, I'm my mom's favorite child.

And Ayesha's my dad's favorite child.

[Interviewer] Does that hurt your feelings?

No, I love it.

You know, we all now that, like,

your mother's love is the thing you vie for the most.

It has the most, like, value.

You know how like it's like,

it's like USD,

whereas a father's love is like Bitcoin,

it's just like esoteric

and like doesn't matter.

Who, we don't even know if it matters.

[Interviewer] So you like your mom more than your dad?

100% yes.

Way more.

He's telling the truth.

A lot more.

[Interviewer] Do you consider yourself a good brother?

No.

She always is like, I wish I had a sister.

She like repeatedly says it all the time,

and like, as a kid, I was like, sure.

And then my wife was like,

you know what that means, right?

That means she didn't like you as a brother.

I think I'm an okay brother, but I could be better.

[Woman] He's telling the truth.

Yes! [laughing]

[Interviewer] When referring to your good looks,

this man, Dax Shepard, called you a nine out of 10.

Does it bother you that he didn't call you a 10?

No.

I think that he was going way too high.

[Interviewer] Do you know how you would rate him?

That's not fair.

That's not nice, that's not a fair--

Okay, you guys really did your research for this.

'Cause you had to listen to the podcast.

I would give Dax, I have to give a number?

Six point five seven.

[Interviewer] Harsh, wow.

He's this, okay, Dax is part of a thing

where in show business, there's this whole movement

of like approachable white dudes.

Whereas with like men of color,

it's like, Idris Elba, Henry Golding, Zayn Malik,

or you work in IT.

There's no middle.

You know how there's a whole class of white dudes

of just like schlubby dudes who just like

to high school with me but now made it in show biz?

There's no like that.

You gotta have like the V-taper and your abs

if you're gonna Asian,

and you gotta be like Daniel Dae Kim,

have you seen that photo

where he flexes his pecs like this

and he can hold the pencil?

You gotta be Daniel Dae Kim ripped.

Like, you can't ever have bread or cereal.

[Interviewer] So do you think

you're better looking than Dax?

Do I think?

Yes, I'm better looking than Dax, yes.

Yes, but I will not get the same opportunities

that Dax does.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Dax.

I'm really sorry.

[Interviewer] Your hair always looks great.

Would you say you spend a lot of time on your hair?

No.

[Interviewer] Is that true?

That's questionable.

What?

Come on, no, no, no!

Yes, yes, I spend time on my hair.

[Interviewer] Have you ever canceled plans

because you didn't like the way your hair looked?

No.

[Interviewer] Come on, is that true?

[Woman] That's questionable.

Come on!

It's an unclear reading.

There we go.

If I don't do my hair, it's very straight.

And if I don't do it,

it'll just immediately go into a bowl cut.

I will look like a 10-year-old Korean boy.

[Interviewer] Okay.

I have to, like, if I--

If I didn't have my hair,

you ever seen like those photos of like a shaved animal?

Right, and you're just like,

that's what a bear looks like bald?

[laughs]

Because I have a very small head.

It's like 70% of my appeal.

Was I telling the truth on that?

[Woman] He's telling the truth.

[Interviewer] You got a 1310 on your SATs.

Yes.

[Interviewer] And you said you're not proud of that score,

right?

Okay.

I was proud that I did my best.

But I'm not proud of it

in relation to how my cousins and my sister did on the SAT.

[Interviewer] If your daughter got a 1310,

would you make her retake it?

Yes, 'cause I want the best for her.

That's correct, right?

[Woman] Yes, you're telling the truth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm tellin' the truth.

[Interviewer] Did your wife get a better score than you?

No.

[Interviewer] Are you sure?

I'm positive, yes.

[Interviewer] So you've asked?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Why?

It's just an important thing,

we're both Indian, that's how you have to keep it real.

It's like one of the, you know,

it's one of the, like, what is your name,

what do you do, do you want kids,

what'd you get on the SAT?

[Interviewer] You used to lie to your parents

and tell them you were going to library

when really you were going to do stand-up.

Is that the worst thing you've ever lied about?

No, and I'm not gonna tell you the things I lied about

because my mom watches everything on YouTube.

[Interviewer] Have you ever lied about your age?

Probably, yes.

[Interviewer] What about in a job interview?

You ever lie about your professional experience?

Yes, 100%, I've lied very massively

on my Del Taco job application.

And it wasn't necessary.

[Interviewer] Did you lie

and say you were proficient in Microsoft Office?

I've said that a lot, yes.

So, during my congressional testimony,

when they were questioning me,

I said I was proficient at Microsoft Excel.

I'm not, macros are really hard.

That is true.

I don't know if this is gonna like get me in trouble

with the government, but--

[Interviewer] Let's move onto your career.

You were a correspondent on The Daily Show.

Yes.

[Interviewer] Would you say you craved the approval

of this man, Jon Stewart, more than your own father?

100%, yes.

Yeah, but yeah, both, but both mattered.

The first time my dad came to the show and visited him,

you have to tell his assistant in advance,

hey, family members are gonna come, and then he came.

He came out after the show, after the taping,

and he saw my parents, and he was like, the Minhajs!

And then my dad just went in for the hug.

I said don't, you shouldn't do the hug.

Like, you should shake people's hands.

He came in for the hug and then gave him almonds.

[Interviewer] Do you still watch the Daily Show

now that Trevor Noah's hosting?

I watch it every once in a while on YouTube, yeah.

[Interviewer] You ever lie to him and say

that you watch it all the time?

I've never said, Trevor, I watch it all the time.

We don't do that, like, we don't watch.

[Interviewer] Does he watch your show?

Probably not.

[Interviewer] Have you asked?

I, no, I would be too--

I'm too sensitive.

[Interviewer] You stated that this man, John Mulaney,

has been a mentor to you.

Yes.

[Interviewer] Do you consider him a good friend?

I consider him my friend,

I would hope that he would consider me a close friend.

[Interviewer] Do you ever feel left out

when he hangs out with this man, Nick Kroll?

No, they're buds, they're buds from way back when,

but if I, like, if I text John,

if it takes him a long time to get back to me,

I get very nervous.

Like, I look up to him that much,

I'm like, maybe he doesn't think I'm funny anymore.

[Interviewer] Do you think he thinks you're funny?

I would, I hope so, I don't know.

He's very nice, I don't know.

I hope so.

Him and Neal Brennan, I like really vie for their approval.

[Interviewer] Was the White House Correspondents Dinner

the toughest audience you've ever performed for?

No.

[Interviewer] What was?

I've done bad rooms.

Like really rough rooms.

At the end of the day, like,

it's as mediocre as average as every Hilton ballroom.

You've been birthday parties there,

bar mitzvahs,

you know that Hilton ballroom.

It's a very specific ballroom.

[Interviewer] Were there any jokes you had to cut

for the White House Correspondents Dinner?

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Can you tell us one?

Okay, so, Ben Carson was supposed to be there.

And so, while the writers were looking for Ben Carson,

I was writing down the jokes that we had about Ben Carson

in the event that we saw him.

'Cause I was like, search this entire room.

Ben Carson is gonna be here.

And they're like, there's thousands of people here.

And I'm like, yes, I know that.

But there's only three black people here.

That's Van Jones, that's not Ben Carson.

There's two left, go.

This was the joke.

I go, ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Ben Carson is here.

People say a lot of things about Ben Carson.

Some people say he's strange.

Other people say that he's bizarre.

But everybody says, that guy's a brain surgeon?

Growing up, my dad always wanted me to be a brain surgeon,

it's the toughest job to have if you're a doctor.

But then I told my dad,

what if I grow up to be like Ben Carson?

And he was like, Hasan, maybe comedy isn't so bad after all.

I really wanted to do those two jokes really bad.

Did I?

That is true.

That is true, that is true.

[Interviewer] On your show, Patriot Act,

you move your hands a lot.

Yes.

[Interviewer] Because you think you have nice hands?

No, I have very hairy hands.

I'm very fuzzy.

[Interviewer] Knowing how important your hands are

to your brand, do you get manicures?

I have gotten a manicure before,

but I don't get manicures all the time.

But I did trim my nails this morning.

And I think they look pretty good.

[Interviewer] Let's talk about politics.

You interviewed this man, Justin Trudeau,

for the Daily Show, right? Yes.

Yes, I did.

This is, I don't recognize him, though.

He looks different, generally.

He's a little bit lighter than he usually is.

How do jokes translate for you?

It's just a baseline reading.

Okay, got it.

I look more like Justin Trudeau

than this photo of Justin Trudeau looks like Justin Trudeau.

[Interviewer] Do you think politicians

should be held accountable

for the mistakes they made years ago?

Yes, they're very powerful.

Politicians have the ability to sign pieces of paper

that can send thousands of people to war

and cost millions of lives,

so when it comes to a targeted criticism

from their constituents, I think that's fair.

[Interviewer] Should comedians be held accountable?

I think, to me,

the two things that need to be adjudicated there

are intent versus impact.

So for me, as a comedian that has done

a lot of bad jokes to get to great jokes,

and good jokes, and those jokes continue to get better,

I defend all jokes because I know how hard it is

to get the great ones.

Just like music and movies,

you gotta have some bad ones to get great ones.

Creed exists.

So does Kendrick Lamar.

[Interviewer] Have you watched

all the debates this election?

No, thank God.

[Interviewer] Have you watched any?

No, I have not seen--

I've seen clips, but I am trying to watch three hours

of like, double the Wu-Tang Clan on stage.

[Interviewer] Do you know who you're gonna vote for?

No.

[Interviewer] Are you a part of the Yang Gang?

[laughs] Am I a part of the Yang Gang?

Oh no.

No.

But I like Andrew Yang a lot,

he's a very, very cool person.

[Interviewer] Would you vote for anyone over Donald Trump?

Any, yes!

[Interviewer] Is there a danger to that mentality?

No.

[Interviewer] There have been a lot of people

fired from Trump's White House.

Would you ever consider hiring any of them for your show?

Omarosa, you want me to hire Omarosa for the show?

Spicer, you want me to get Spicer on Patriot Act?

No.

Giuliani would be insane on the show,

but I don't know if their journalistic take

would add value to our show.

[Interviewer] All right, final question.

At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

Probably.

[laughs] He is telling the truth.

Yeah, of course.

And Justin Trudeau does look like that.

It's just, four or five times in his life, he didn't.

And you know the old saying,

if at first you don't succeed,

let me use shoe polish four more times.

Can we just forgive and forget, please?

[clunk]