Desus & Mero Take a Lie Detector Test

[Narrator] Desus, Mero, you guys are about

to take a lie detector test.

Lit.

[Narrator] We're happy to have you guys here today.

Happy to be here.

[Narrator] One of you will be hooked up to the machine,

and the other one we'll interview, and then we'll switch.

You guys nervous?

Not really.

This doesn't lead to jail time, right?

This is not like, court.

This is not like legally binding, right?

[clicking]

[Lie Detector Techician] Lift your chains up.

[dramatic clang]

Ready to be exposed?

Expose me!

[dramatic clang]

Is your name Joel Martinez?

Yes, it is.

And do you go by The Kid Mero?

Yes.

Is this a photo of you?

Yes, that is.

And could you please explain what designer you're wearing?

Versace.

Just wanted to throw that out there for the drip.

You're doing pretty good so far.

[laughing]

They're hard questions, it's hard-hitting questions.

Jon-Benet Ramsey.

[laughing]

I almost had you.

Are you from the Bronx?

Yes.

Do you think you are the most successful

person to come out of the Bronx?

Absolutely, I am very self-confident.

[laughing]

Are you more successful than her?

Uhhh, I mean, currently, no,

but I would say maybe like in the future,

you know what I'm saying?

You can't come out and be like,

Yeah, no. I'm gonna suck, my career's gonna suck.

Like, I'm never gonna ascend to that level.

Are you trying to convince me or yourself?

Everybody in the room, actually.

Like my man right here with the crew neck,

like, I'm trying to convince him.

He don't talk to anyone other

than me and lie detector guy.

Okay.

Thank you.

What about this guy?

Excuse me, that's totally a ethics violation.

[laughing]

We're in cahoots!

[laughs]

What about this guy, are you more successful than...

Also from the Bronx.

Than Daddy Warbucks, like?

Do you know that man's name?

That is...

It's Fred Trump.

That's Fred Trump?

[Desus] Yes.

Wow!

You didn't know he was a Bronx guy?

Wow!

You live in New Jersey now.

Is this true or false?

That is true.

Do you think you're better than me

because you moved to the suburbs?

[laughs]

Do I think I'm better than you

because I moved to the suburbs?

[Desus] Yes

Uh, no?

Like, I don't know.

Hmm. Check it out later.

Do you think you're better than me

because you have a sprinkler system?

Yes, absolutely.

That's pretty fair.

Are you high right now?

Yes.

What are you high on?

Uh, edibles from last night.

Am I high right now?

I feel like you are.

You know it.

[Mero] Yeah.

Do you think you could out-smoke me?

Probably, yeah. Probably, yeah, probably.

Do you think you could out-drink me?

No. Absolutely not.

No way. No.

Have we ever done anything illegal together?

[laughs]

Oh, come on, let it go.

Is the sky blue, is water wet?

Have we ever been naked together in the same room?

Possibly?

Yeah, we have.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, you can't hang if you don't see the wang.

[laughing]

Do you consider yourself a Yankees fan?

Absolutely, 27 rings, bro.

Is the new Yankees' stadium better than the old one?

Absolutely not.

What level of confidence would

you say that Babe Ruth is Dominican?

I with no uncertainty say that Babe Ruth is Dominican.

One hundred percent?

One thousand percent.

[Desus] Okay. To your best knowledge,

are there any other people in history who are

secretly Dominican?

Abraham Lincoln.

Explain.

Well he had, like, the weird beard.

For the time, you know what I'm saying?

His beard, his facial hair was just, like

Inappropriate?

Yeah, they're like, yo, that's kind of wild,

it was experimental facial hair.

Which Dominicans are known to do.

You know what I'm saying?

What about the Knicks, are you a fan?

I'm a reluctant fan of the Knicks.

For how long will you be a Knick fan?

Forever. Until I die, which is sad, but I, yeah,

like I'm never giving up.

♪ Never gonna give you up ♪

Okay, have you ever rooted for another team in basketball

other than the Knicks?

No.

Not even for gambling purposes?

Oh yeah, for gambling purposes, yeah for sure.

Yeah, but not for like yo, I want you to win,

like I want you to yeah, no.

It's usually the opposite, like I want you to tear your ACL.

Wow.

[laughing] [crosstalk]

[Desus] You know what it is. No snitches.

Yeah, man.

Are you a better roaster than me?

Um,

I feel like it depends on the medium.

If we went roast for roast, do you think you'd win?

Probably not now. I'm a dad, I have four kids.

My mean streak has like, declined a lot.

That's fair. Let's find out. Roast this person.

Oh, man. Look at Charlamagne, bro.

With the Capital One step and repeat.

Charlamagne looks like a fucking

hip-hop lumberjack right now.

This is wild, he looks like a ninja turtle that's a logger

in Canada.

Okay. El presidente.

Oh, man. Trumpito. Look at him.

Look at the difference in the hue of his face and his hands.

It's like he has bionic hands.

And that tie is longer than a fucking CVS receipt.

And his pants are mad wrinkled! You're the president, bro!

You can't steam your trousers? Fuck.

Alright, I don't want you to be confused,

this is not a picture of you.

[laughs] This is DJ Envy aka the Bisquick Bandit.

His face, he knows you're about to roast him.

Yeah, I don't know why you would get a goatee to like,

highlight your second chin. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I have a, I'm fat, like you know what I'm saying?

So I let my beard grow til like here,

to disguise the double chin.

He's just like, nah, fuck that,

I want you to see my Red Lobster biscuit chin

under my goatee.

Is that a Pandora bracelet?

Bro, my man's wearing a Pandora bracelet with mad charms

and like a little soccer ball and shit, like. [laughs]

Oh wow.

Definitely need to see that at the radio station.

Hip-hop rich dad.

You know you just restarted a feud, right?

I'm sorry that you look like a bruised banana.

[laughs]

The cast of Green Book.

[laughs] Oh my god.

Yeah, this is like a perfect representation of the movie

because it's like, all the black people are over here,

trying to get outta the picture.

They were trying to do this to the picture. Ya know?

Last, but not least, Michael B. Jordan.

[laughs] Michael B. Jordan! Michael B. Jordan.

Handsome guy. Thank you.

Gotta work on the smile a little bit.

It's a little kindergarten-y, it's a little like

you have to smile now.

You know what I mean?

Just think of something,

the funniest thing you ever thought in your life,

before people tell you to smile

and then you'll get like a genuine laugh,

so it doesn't look like you're [laughs]

trying to hold in a shart. [laughs]

Yes. Okay, let's talk more about the gift of smiling.

Let's look at the smile you're doing in this photo.

Please describe that to the court.

[laughs] This is the our show just premiered

and I smoked way too much weed before the premiere.

[laughs] So I can barely keep my eyes open

and I'm trying to cover my Newport stained teeth

with my tongue.

[Desus] Okay.

[laughs]

Alright, now we're getting to the gristle.

[Mero] Ready? Okay!

Is it true you have four kids?

Yes.

Which one is your favorite?

I can't say I have a favorite, I mean like now

Sir, sir the needles are dancing the Macarena. C'mon.

[laughs]

We need some answers here, we all know the answer,

just say it.

[Desus] I mean... Just say the answer.

Well, I mean my daughter 'cause she's the only one.

There's only one.

I mean, I also have a soft spot for Mero Jr.

'cause he's my first, ya know?

And the other two are just wacked?

[Mero] My first child, he's the masculine child

and then I have a soft spot for Mero III

'cause he has a cute little speech impediment,

ya know what I mean?

And then Mero IV, is like the athlete, ya know what I mean?

Like he's in the 95th percentile for height and weight,

like and I'm just like a super proud dad when I tell people.

So what I'm hearing is you definitely have

a favorite child?

Yeah, I mean I think it'll change.

[Desus] Okay, next question.

Will you ever stop making babies?

Yeah, for sure, definitely, absolutely. 100%.

Are you 100% sure you're done?

I'm 1000% sure I'm done, I'm not having no more kids.

Are you getting a vasectomy?

I guess?

Do vasectomies make you nervous?

It depends,

like if it's not as invasive as my wife says it is,

then yes.

If not, then, we're gonna have to talk about it.

Have you not researched this at all?

Like I haven't,

I'm gonna be honest I have not researched vasectomies,

So you're probably not getting one.

I thought they just cut like a hole under your penis

and like snip something and like burn the ends,

like, it just is very... The put crazy glue like on..

Yeah, it's very frightening.

I don't want it like, where does that go?

Is it true you almost became a science teacher?

Yes.

Alright, we're gonna see what your

science fact game is like.

Let's talk about it.

Can you name the three types of rocks?

Igneous, metamorphic, and shit what's the third one?

Sedimentary.

Sedimentary, yes.

We'd like the courtroom to be quiet

when people are testifying.

[laughs]

Do you know the difference between fission and fusion?

Yes.

Fission is the...

Fusion is the combination of atoms

and fission is the dissolution of them.

I was right? Oh shit, I'm on fire!

Alright,

you spent some time working in a middle school, correct?

Yes.

Do you think you were a good role model to those student?

Absolutely. 100%.

I've never seen the needles do the Milly Rock before.

[laughs]

At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

Possibly, I mean, I don't know. I've lied to judges, so.

Okay, lift your arms.

Have you ever taken a polygraph before?

Yep.

Okay. I don't wanna know what happened.

[dramatic clang]

Is your name Daniel Baker?

Yes it is.

But you changed it to Desus?

Didn't necessarily change it; it's a stage name.

Okay. That sounds a lot like Jesus, was that intentional?

Probably, yeah.

Are you ready to take this lie detector test?

I mean I'm strapped to a lie detector

so I'm gonna have to say affirmative.

[Mero] Yes. You have a degree in literature,

is that correct?

Yes it is.

Would you say you are well read?

I've been reading books and shit.

[Mero] Okay. If you had to write a biography about me,

what would be the title?

Give Me Five Minutes, I'm Taking a Shit.

[laughs] That's pretty good, that's pretty good.

That's pretty accurate.

We went by many aliases on the Bodega Boys,

is it true that one of them was

don't talk to me in the UberPool I don't know you?

That's not an alias, that is a life philosophy.

Do you still take UberPools?

Absolutely not. I am Uber Diamond status now.

I will not get in an UberPool. Put that diamond up.

Put that diamond up. Let them know.

[laughs]

Also, UberPool generally it's just like,

for that little bit of extra money,

then you just ride by yourself.

People get an Uber and they're eating fish, like...

75 cents worth? Like, it's not worth me sitting

and you're eating a plate of whiting.

Or like, there's Ubers just waiting there for people.

C'mon man, have some self respect.

Have you ever ridden in an UberPool?

I have ridden in an UberPool. Once.

Okay.

Just once and that one experience.

Was enough to deter you forever.

Never again.

During that one UberPool ride,

did you ever hit on an UberPool passenger

that was traveling with you?

No. Think about it, if you're in an UberPool

and another person is in the UberPool,

it's just like, yo we're both broke.

What are we going to get together and do?

We can't go dating, we have no money.

And be broke, yeah.

What are we going to UberPool to like nowhere?

To go share one drink?

[laughs]

Let's UberPool back home?

And you walk from my house to your house?

Also, I don't think you should date people,

you shouldn't hit on people in an Uber

'cause you literally just saw where they came out

the house they live in

and that could get very creepy very fast.

[laughs]

Oh, you're ghosting me?

What is the weirdest place you've ever hit on someone?

Oh, there was a, Tenjune, the club?

There was like a celebration for women voters

and Geraldine Ferraro was there

and I tried to hit on the girl from Scandal,

what's her name? Kerry Washington?

Yeah. Oh!

And she dumped me so hard, bro.

[laughs]

It's like embarrassing.

Well look at him now. I bet you regret that now.

Probably not, she's got like a football player husband.

Yeah, yeah.

I appreciate that.

Do you ever get nervous that what we say

might get taken out of context?

Yeah, yeah.

Should comedians ever police what they say?

Yeah, if you wanna continue getting paychecks

and being in movies and stuff, but if not, ya know,

just say whatever you wanna say. Home Depot's always hiring.

Do you think that our catchphrase facts don't matter

influenced the rise of fake news culture? Damn!

Wow!

What an indictment on the brand!

I love how all the questions were light an whimsical,

and then they're just like you're responsible for Trump.

[laughs]

Perhaps. I do think us saying fake news and,

actually no.

Facts didn't matter before we started the podcast.

So how you bring that on us?

Also, the fact that you would say that Trump is in power

because of two brown people's podcast is a little racist.

Sorry I just had to throw that out there.

All we did was point out the truth. Speak truth to power.

They hate it when we speak the truth.

That's right, brother. That's what I'm saying.

Or something like that

depending on what those needles are saying.

Alright, you're ordering a bacon egg sandwich at a bodega,

do you get cheese on it?

I'm wildly lactose intolerant,

so the answer is of course I'm getting cheese on the bodega,

right. 'Cause you got to, man.

That's what I'm talking about.

You only live but so long,

but you wanna have flavorful breakfasts.

Ya know what I mean?

[Mero] That's right.

Would you say that you are more attractive than this man?

[Desus] Yes.

I like that confidence.

Oh I got the confidence.

Oh, hell yeah. DJ Khaled? Yeah.

What about me? Am I more attractive than that guy?

Yeah.

Thank you. Am I more attractive than this guy?

So awkward again.

You asked if you're more attractive than this person

and then you hand me a picture of myself. This...

I mean, look, like he's a stud.

He's a young stud. I'll quote Mike Francesa about him

young stud, ya know, good head on his shoulders.

But he does have cheek pouches

like a squirrel, ya know what I'm saying?

A sexy squirrel.

He is a very sexy squirrel. That's true.

I think you're more, you're easier on the eyes.

My confidence is through the roof right now.

There you go, that's what friends do.

Yes.

Go best friend, go best friend.

Are either of us more attractive than this guy?

I would say together we're more attractive than this guy,

but his head is so big, love you Chris.

Yeah, yeah. We have to combine powers.

Have to know that though Chris Hayes would get all the

chicks in grade school which is quite disturbing.

He's got mad valentines on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, I choo choo choose you.

Okay, are we funnier than him?

Yes. It's the homie Hannibal. Yes.

[laughs]

Should I tell Hannibal?

I mean, I'm not gonna come up here and be like

I'm not funny.

Exactly! That's what I'm saying.

I subscribe to the Michael Jordan rules of compliments.

Yes!

I am the greatest person ever and I will just admit it

Yes! Yes, that's how you have to think.

Like if I had known I woulda got a hoop earring

and big cigar and been up here like

fuck those other comedians. Double down on black.

[laughs] Alright, right now, Right now.

2019, 2019.

How strong is the brand?

The brand is so strong, it's going to have to testify

in front of congress about steroid use.

Is it stronger than the Kardashians?

Are we stronger than the Kardashians?

Yes, because we are able to create new seasons of content

without having to sacrifice black men.

I'm looking at you Tristan Thompson.

Is it stronger than Vanity Fair?

I wouldn't put our brand up against an established brand

that's been around for so long

and brought so much enjoyment to countless of millions.

[Mero] That's true. That's true, that's very true.

That's what we aspire to.

That's what we aspire to

and one day we hope to be Vanity Fair.

Will our brand ever be stronger than her brand?

Oh, shit. I think, if you think about it,

she's kind of part of our brand.

She's part of the Bodega Boys universe.

So we're gonna take some, ya know,

I think we're all together on that so...

She's in Bodega Boys Endgame, coming out in April.

Exactly.

Would you say we're the,

I already know the answer to this,

would you say we are the best late night show in the game?

See it's hard 'cause we know the other people

and we're friends with them, ya know?

It's like, we have kind of like a playful rivalry with them,

you don't want to say anything as to hurt them...

Fuck them, we [clang on table] on late night,

you know what it is. [clang on table]

That's right. That's what I'm talking about.

Last question.

At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we did not catch you?

I'm gonna be honest with you,

my general first answers are generally lies

so I'm gonna say yeah.

Like that first one about Daniel Baker,

that's not my real name.

I respect it. Picante, how's he doing over there?

He was completely deceptive.

I told my exes like I knew it, I knew it.

I told ya'll, I told ya'll.

[laughing]

That's not my baby!

[laughing]

Can you get one of these on Amazon?

To casually just attach it to people?

So you watch the show last night?

How'd you feel about it?

What was your favorite segment?

Did you like Mero's outfits?

[laughing]

Were our beards to dark?

[dramatic clang]