Amy Schumer Takes a Lie Detector Test

This is fun.

I'm glad I said yes to this.

Do you usually do this for, like, people in jail?

Before that.

Oh, cool.

[Interviewer] Is your name Amy Beth Schumer?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Were you born on June 1st?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Have you ever taken a polygraph test before?

No.

[Interviewer] Are you nervous for this test?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Why?

I guess the atmosphere.

[Interviewer] Let's start with your career.

In the movie Train Wreck,

you play a writer at a magazine.

Why do you think all female leads

in romcom's are working in magazines?

Because we lack, we lack creativity as writers.

That's not why?

[Interviewer] Not a clear reading.

[Amy laughing]

Why do we all work in magazines?

I don't know.

[Interviewer] You shot some intimate scenes with this man.

I recognize him.

[Interviewer] You were quoted as saying,

It's a whole universe, that butt, it's not even human.

Do you stand by that statement?

I don't remember what John Cena's butt looked like,

I don't think.

[Interviewer] Are you sure?

I can't picture his butt.

She's telling the truth.

[Interviewer] What was it like to be his first sex scene?

It was an honor.

[Interviewer] Would you work with him again?

Yes, I'd love to work with him again.

[Interviewer] Do you think

that he would wanna work with you again?

Yes, I do.

[Interviewer] Why?

Because I'm a pleasure to be around.

[Interviewer] Would you say Johns Cena

is a better love interest than this man?

[Amy laughing]

No, I wouldn't say that John is a better love interest

than Michael Cera.

[Interviewer] What makes Michael Cera

a better love interest?

I think he's a heartthrob.

[Interviewer] What makes him a heartthrob?

I think Michael Cera just has that thing

where you see him and you, just, love him right away.

[Interviewer] Is he your celebrity crush?

No.

[Interviewer] Then who is your celebrity crush?

Christian Bale.

[Interviewer] Is he your hall pass?

I don't think my husband would let me fuck Christian Bale.

I think there'd be repercussions.

You're telling the truth.

[Interviewer] You starred in a super bowl commercial

for Hellman's Mayonnaise,

do you get a lifetime supply of free mayo?

Despite my letters, no.

I did not get even one free jar of mayonnaise.

[Interviewer] Your role in the commercial

was Fairy God-Mayo.

Would you consider this a career high?

No, I would not.

I did it for the money.

I can now buy my own mayo.

[Interviewer] Was playing fairy God-Mayo

better than roasting Charlie Sheen on Comedy Central?

No, No, it was not.

It was better to roast Charlie Sheen on Comedy Central.

[Interviewer] What made it better?

Artistic merit,

and Mike Tyson.

[Interviewer] Did you roast Mike Tyson

more than you roasted Charlie Sheen?

At a certain point, yes.

He was heckling me,

and I asked if his interpreter was there.

[Interviewer] You've been doing standup

for more than 20 years. Is that true?

[Interviewer] You tell me.

I don't know.

[Interviewer] How long have you been doing standup?

I think, 16 years.

[Interviewer] Would you say you're good at math?

No.

[Interviewer] Coming up with new material is difficult,

have you ever stolen a joke?

No.

Yes, she's telling the truth.

[Interviewer] What about an idea for a sketch?

No.

[Interviewer] An idea for a character?

No.

[Interviewer] Let me rephrase.

Have you ever taken inspiration for a joke

from somebody else?

No.

[Interviewer] At the end of Train Wreck,

your character attempts to do a crazy basketball dunk,

did you do your own stunts?

No, but I asked to.

[Interviewer] What made you think you could?

I think an inflated sense of self.

[Interviewer] Why do you think they said no?

Because they could see

that I was working with limited capabilities, physically.

[Interviewer] That's understandable.

Do you remember where you end up working

at the end of Train Wreck?

Yes, I believe it was Vanity Fair.

[Interviewer] Let's talk about your life.

Okay.

[Interviewer] You married your first husband,

Chris Fischer.

My first husband, yes.

[Interviewer] After less than a year of dating,

is that true?

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Would you say you move quickly?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Why are you smiling?

Because I love him, and this picture is funny,

because he's bad on red carpets.

[Interviewer] What makes him bad on red carpets?

Is this an ongoing issue?

I embrace it.

[Interviewer] Is it true Chris proposed to you

while you were sleeping?

I had just woken up.

I was still in bed and he never actually proposed.

He just, kind of,

sat on my chest and gave me,

handed me the ring.

It was not romantic,

at all.

[Interviewer] Was there any part of you

that wanted to say no, based on that proposal?

No.

[Interviewer] Was your proposal what you imagined

it would be like?

I had never imagined anyone proposing to me.

I don't know, it just, sort of, wasn't part of my dreams.

Despite all the Disney movies.

[Interviewer] Did Disney movies

give you unrealistic expectations about love?

Yeah, except for maybe Moana,

she loves the ocean.

[Interviewer] Have you seen Encanto?

I have seen Encanto, so many times, and I love it.

And my son and I listen to, what he calls,

the strong song a lot.

Which is actually titled Surface Pressure.

[Interviewer] Do you consider yourself a cool parent?

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Why?

Well, we already discussed, Encanto.

[Interviewer] So cool parents are watching Encanto?

Yes.

Mm, hmm.

[Interviewer] When you named your son,

were you going for the laugh?

Nope.

[Interviewer] What happened

As we discussed, I'm impulsive,

and don't really think things through,

and that's when it happened.

[Interviewer] That's when what happened?

When I named my son, Gene Attell Fischer.

[Interviewer] When did you realize the error?

About a month after he was born.

It happens to everyone, right?

No.

No, okay.

[Interviewer] Did you get a lower back tattoo

in high school?

I think it was the summer going into college.

[Interviewer] Do you regret this tattoo?

It's not great.

So,

yeah, probably,

it's not good.

[Interviewer] Do you still have it?

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Why haven't you gotten it removed?

I got it at a really shitty place on,

on Astor place and they went too deep, so it keloided,

so it's, kind of, raised.

So, if I got it removed, it would just, kind of,

be like a raised tribal situation.

[Interviewer] In 2015,

you were invited to the Time 100 Gala,

and had to fall on the red carpet.

In retrospect, do you regret this moment?

[Amy laughing]

I do not regret that moment.

I threw myself on the ground

because I thought it would be funny.

[Interviewer] Did anyone help you up?

No, yeah, nobody really rushed over.

[Interviewer] Was this an attempt

at becoming friends with Kim?

Not in the moment.

But she did seem like she wanted to laugh,

and now we are friends.

[Interviewer] Is she your favorite Kardashian?

She's my number one Kardashian.

[Interviewer] Where does Chloe fall into all of this?

Chloe, I really like Chloe,

and I hope she one day forgives me

for mentioning her in my SNL monologue.

[Interviewer] You were once photographed

dancing on Billy Joel's piano with Jennifer Lawrence.

Was alcohol involved?

Yes.

[Interviewer] How much?

I think, probably a lot.

[Interviewer] Has motherhood changed you for the better?

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Has motherhood

changed Jennifer for the better?

I've only texted with her, but I bet it, I bet it has.

[Interviewer] So you haven't met the baby?

No.

[Interviewer] Do you know the baby's name?

Yes,

Hitler.

Is that true?

No.

Okay, I don't know the baby's name.

She's smart enough not to tell me, but it might be Hitler.

[Interviewer] Final question.

Did you lie at any point during this lie detector test,

and we didn't catch you?

No.

Inconclusive.

Do I have to go to jail?

No, we're gonna let you off this time.

[Amy sighing] Don't leave town.

Okay.