Jim Gaffigan Takes a Lie Detector Test

Is it all right to eat while we do this?

[Lou] No.

Anyone ever told you you look like a Giants fan?

Has anyone ever died from doing this?

[clicks and static hissing]

[Interviewer] Is your name Jim Gaffigan?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Are you a standup comedian?

Yes.

That would be sad if I was lying there.

[Interviewer] Do you have the flop sweats right now?

No, no, I always look like I'm sweating.

You know what I mean, right? Yeah.

[Interviewer] Are we all calibrated?

[Lou] Yep.

Let's begin. Yes.

[boom]

[Interviewer] Let's start with

[boom] your life.

I've had one.

Not lately, but.

[Interviewer] So you've lived in New York City

for the past 30 years, is that right?

I have, I have.

[Interviewer] Would you consider yourself a coastal elite?

No, I do not.

[Interviewer] Were you the youngest of six children?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Would you say

that you have youngest child syndrome?

I don't even know what that is.

[Interviewer] Do you ever feel forgotten

amongst such a big family?

Well, one time, there was a tornado,

and

everyone in my family went to the basement

to hide from the tornado, and they forgot to wake me up, so.

Deceptive.

Why would I lie about that?

What am I gonna, oh, I gotta come in

and lie about a tornado?

Oh yeah, I saw that in a movie, it doesn't matter.

It happened in the movie.

[Interviewer] And you have five kids of your own now.

I do.

[Interviewer] Are you equally close with all of them?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Do you know how you

would rank your kids from least to most favorite?

I view them equally.

[Interviewer] So you have five kids?

I have five kids.

And your parents had six? Yes.

[Interviewer] Does it bother you

that your parents were better at having kids than you?

No, [chuckles] no.

Deceptive.

What?

That's ridiculous.

I'm not competing with my parents.

They started earlier.

[Interviewer] You graduated from Georgetown

with a degree in finance, correct?

I did, I did.

[Interviewer] As a result of this,

are your responsible with your money?

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

[Interviewer] Do you own any cryptocurrency?

No, I don't.

Bitcoin? No.

Dogecoin?

Dogecoin? [chuckles]

I think I broke this.

Does it matter?

No, it's fine, go ahead.

Dogecoin, no.

[Interviewer] Would you say we're

about to hit another recession?

Yes.

[Interviewer] Good to know.

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Next, let's talk about

[boom] your career.

You moved to New York to pursue comedy?

Not initially, but yes, in the back of my mind,

I was thinking that.

[Interviewer] And did David Letterman

have a big influence on that?

I think so.

[Interviewer] Is it true you auditioned

for his show for six years before you got on?

That is true, that is true.

[Interviewer] Does that mean you resent David?

No, no.

[Interviewer] Did you know that,

in 2016, you were the most popular comic on pandora.com?

I think I had heard that, yes.

[Interviewer] Is there pressure

that comes with that title?

No.

I don't think, at that point, I didn't even knew

what Pandora was.

[Interviewer] Do you think you

were the best-working comic in 2016?

No.

[Interviewer] How 'bout now?

No.

[Interviewer] Do you remember the first joke

you ever told?

Yeah, I think I remember one of my first jokes onstage.

People would ask me why are you so white,

why are you so white?

And I'd say 'cause my father was a Q-tip.

[Interviewer] That's humorous.

Yeah, it was a first draft.

[Interviewer] Is there a joke you've been trying

to make work for years, but it just won't land?

I've been trying to make the Rust Belt funny,

which has never really worked because I think

that it's funny that this area of economic devastation

that someone decided to give it a cute name,

like Rust Belt and [chuckles lightly]

'cause there's a lot of rust there.

It doesn't feel appropriate, you know what I mean?

'Cause people are unemployed and--

[Interviewer] Maybe give it some more time.

I don't know if it'll ever work.

But the people there will work, but not the joke.

[Interviewer] You opened for this man,

the Pope, last year?

Is that correct?

Yes, I think, yeah, at one point, yes.

[Interviewer] Do you think he watched your set

from the Popemobile?

I don't think so.

I met him.

I don't think he had any idea who I was.

There was a guy standing behind him speaking

in Italian or Spanish, going [speaks in foreign language],

and he just nodded.

And then I introduced to him to my mother-in-law,

and I won

best in-law ever.

[Interviewer] Did you pray before you went onstage?

No.

Your wife, Yes.

[Interviewer] is your collaborator and co-writer,

Yeah, yes. is that correct?

Would you say that she's funnier than you?

I think she's great.

[Interviewer] Do you two

ever take your creative arguments home with you?

Oh yeah, definitely.

[Interviewer] Do you think she's ever fake laughed

at one of your jokes?

I hope not.

She's pretty honest.

She'll say that's not funny.

Sometimes, she'll say that's not funny,

but I'm not even trying to be funny.

[Interviewer] Have you ever fake laughed

at one of her jokes?

No. [clears throat]

What is that doing?

It's registering your pulse rate.

What does that register as?

It's your galvanic skin response.

See?

What does that mean? Sweating.

Is that bad or good?

It depends.

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Do you ever receive any fan letters?

Yes, yes.

[Interviewer] Do you write back?

No. [laughs]

No, I don't. [laughs]

I used to.

How 'bout that?

I've got five kids.

[Interviewer] Someone on Reddit started a thread asking

how they could sneak food to you during a show.

Hmm. Is that something

fans regularly attempt to do?

It's waned a little bit.

Couple specials ago, I had a lot of jokes

on

donuts,

so that led to an influx of donuts.

Maybe with American Dreamer,

I'll get free Uber rides or Lyft rides.

[Interviewer] When people would bring you food,

did you eat it?

Sometimes, yes, I did.

It would be rude not to.

[Interviewer] Do you ever get heckled?

Not really, no.

[Interviewer] Do you remember the last time you

were heckled?

I don't know if I'd describe it as heckled.

It was just somebody verbalizing their reaction,

and I don't think they were intentional,

I don't think they were aware of it.

So I would say something, and they would go yes.

And I think they thought that they were doing it

under their breath, but they were speaking out loud.

So I don't know if that's a heckle

or if that's just human beings are insane.

[Interviewer] Have you ever done anything onstage

where, looking back, you think that was hacky?

Yeah, I'm sure there's stuff.

I'm always trying to improve.

I had jokes about my wife liking pillows

on a bed that I wasn't a fan of now.

I don't know, it's weird.

It's like old material I'm not really thrilled about

in general.

[Interviewer] Why don't we move onto

[boom] philosophy.

Do you think you're stigmatized for being Catholic?

Possibly.

There's so many reasons for someone not to be Catholic.

I don't have any resentment with someone finding it weird.

If God was a comedian, Yep.

[Interviewer] do you think he would have a clean act?

It depends Old or New Testament.

I think Old Testament, he'd be pretty edgy.

I think New Testament,

he might be much more observational

and maybe not necessary to curse.

[Interviewer] Do you really think God forgives everyone?

I hope so.

Like Dahmer, I don't know.

I don't know about that.

Like Hitler, he's like [exhales loudly].

Like Jesus like, I know I said everyone, but.

[Interviewer] Should people be automatically granted mercy

if they apologize?

[exhales loudly] It's not for me to decide.

I just like a scenario where I'm forgiven, so.

[Interviewer] Would you say you're a better Catholic

than this man, Stephen Colbert?

No, he's obviously a better Catholic

and smarter and all this stuff.

But I have more comedy specials than him.

[Interviewer] You don't curse in your standup, right?

I sure [beep] don't.

[Interviewer] So I guess the same doesn't go

for your real life?

That's [beep] right.

[Interviewer] Do you think perfection is ever attainable?

Obviously no,

but when you're as good looking as me,

you try to make other aspects

of your life achieve your looks.

[Interviewer] Do you think you've

ever written a perfect joke?

No 'cause I think comedy and humor are similar to liberty.

It's all moving and the context

is changing, so

what's funny today might be funny

in a different way tomorrow.

[Interviewer] Is that the truth?

He's telling the truth.

[Interviewer] Now let's talk about

[boom] pop culture.

Do you have three million followers on Twitter?

Yeah.

[Interviewer] Does that make you feel validated?

[exhales loudly] Not when I see

how many followers other people have.

But I appreciate it.

I don't know, am I doing this right?

I'm not sure you feel validated.

No.

[Interviewer] Has a troll ever made you cry?

No, but I don't really cry

'cause I don't really have human emotions.

[Interviewer] Would you consider yourself meme literate?

No.

[Interviewer] If you had to take a shot at it,

how would you memify this photo?

Oh, I would say gotta get home before I [beep] my pants.

[Interviewer] Not bad, how about this one?

When the fat guy tries to be cute.

[Interviewer] Sounds like you are meme literate.

I think I figured it out.

My hands are very sweaty, or what's the word you're using?

It's galvanic skin response.

You're not that smart, settle down.

[Interviewer] Be honest,

have you ever taken a BuzzFeed quiz?

I think I have, I think I have.

[Interviewer] So do you know

which Disney princess you are?

Well, I think everyone does.

[Interviewer] Which one are you?

I'm the wouldja one from Scotland.

Wouldja?

What's her name?

Call yourself a man.

I did the Jane the Virgin thing,

what character am I in Jane the Virgin,

and I think I was Rujulio.

[Interviewer] I don't know what that means.

You're an avid foodie.

I eat a lot, yeah.

[Interviewer] So if you're making a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich, Yes.

[Interviewer] peanut butter and jelly go

on the same slice?

I would say no, that might be, no, I don't think so.

I think the one on each side.

[Interviewer] Let's put this debate to rest.

Okay.

[Interviewer] Does pineapple ever go on pizza?

Of course not.

It does not.

It does not, 100% true.

Look at us.

We know.

When people put pineapple on pizza, in a way,

they're killing America.

[Interviewer] Are Hot Pockets technically

just big raviolis?

Yes, they're also pirogis and empanadas

and those hot apple pies that they used

to sell at McDonald's.

I don't know if they sell them anymore, do they, Lou?

No, they were found to be too hot.

[Interviewer] Do people ever just yell Hot Pocket

at you on the street?

Yes, they do.

[Interviewer] More often than monthly?

Much more than monthly.

[Interviewer] Do you regret making that joke?

Absolutely.

Well, it's a blessing and a curse.

[Interviewer] Final question.

Yeah.

[Interviewer] At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

Absolutely, yeah.

[Interviewer] So you're clean but not quite honest?

Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

You didn't know this, but Lou and I used to be lovers.

We go way back.

[Interviewer] Is that true?

That is not true.

What does the machine say, Lou?

Disregard the machine.

Okay, he's not in the mood.

[boom]