SNL's Colin Jost & Michael Che Take a Lie Detector Test

[Host] Colin.

Michael.

We brought you both here today

to take a lie detector test.

What?

[Host] One of you will be hooked up to the machine,

and the other will interview, and then you'll switch.

So, who wants to go first?

(Colin chuckles)

[Woman] Okay, do me a favor.

Pick your arm straight up. Shit.

Okay, I'm gonna borrow that arm.

There we go.

How's the arm feeling?

Good. Okay.

Am I lying?

We're about to find out.

Is your name Colin Jost?

(chuckles) Yes.

(Colin chuckles)

Are you 35 years old?

Yes.

I never get that wrong (chuckles).

[Michael] Are you about to take a polygraph exam?

I believe I am, yes.

Are you nervous about this interview?

Not really, no.

(Colin chuckles)

Why? Already?

[Michael] Why not?

No, I think it's,

I think it'll be fun.

It'll be a educational, fun experience.

Mkay. I'm excited (chuckles).

Now, I've got one question.

Oh, (chuckles) one?

Don't do the--

Did you just look at my penis?

Don't do the face against--

Did you just look at my penis?

No, I didn't.

You didn't?

(Michael laughs) I didn't!

It just sounds like you did. That's a lie!

I did not. Okay, well.

(Colin laughs)

Did you look at my penis that time?

Yeah, a little bit.

(both laughing)

Sounds like it was a lot! (Colin laughs)

Okay.

Are you funny because deep down you're miserable?

(chuckles) No.

Alright.

You sound so disappointed (laughs).

You were really banking on that.

(Colin laughs)

Have I ever appeared in one of your dreams?

I'm sure, yes.

What happened?

I don't remember.

(Colin laughs) (Michael chuckles)

Well, you've appeared in a lot of dreams

where I've had nightmares about missing Weekend Update,

like about being late and running on the set late,

and you were there already before me,

which is how I knew it was just a dream that you were there.

I feel like I've had that,

I've had those nightmares like that,

but I don't remember any other dream specifically.

Do you think you're better than me

because you went to Harvard?

No.

(both laughing)

You're a terrible person, man!

Okay, I have a question-- I don't!

Do you have a favorite Avenger?

I don't watch independent movies.

(Michael chuckles)

You think I'll ever get to date

a beautiful celebrity as well?

Do you want to?

No. Yeah.

(both laughing)

Oh, okay, I got one, I got one.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes.

Do you believe in ghosts?

I'm not the one on trial here.

(Colin laughs)

What's the trial?

I didn't know there was a trial.

[Michael] Do you think I'm a good friend?

(both chuckling)

Why the hesitation?

There is no hesitation.

Yeah, yes or no questions and answers.

I was enjoying previous friendship moments

and taking them in in order to

give an informed response having reviewed it

to say yes, I think you are a good friend.

Bad friend says what?

I was looking at your penis, sorry!

(both chuckling)

Oh, here's a good one.

Oh, good.

Do you have any political opinions

that you're too afraid to share publicly?

Yes, definitely.

Oh!

Do tell.

Well, (chuckles) no, I mean, nothing,

nothing crazy I don't think.

(Colin chuckles)

Interesting.

No, I don't know.

I'm afraid to share a lot of things publicly

but politically, I don't know, nothing--

Anything Me Too related?

(chuckles) I doubt it.

(Michael laughs)

(Colin chuckles)

Have you ever done something backstage

that may be considered illegal?

Yes, absolutely.

I would say almost every week.

[Michael] Really?

Well, maybe not.

That's not, that's not true.

Like what?

I don't recall.

What was the question?

(chuckles) You gotta remember some of this stuff.

No, I would say probably

two or three shows a year

probably something happens that's maybe illegal.

Are cock fights?

They're not, you can have them in America, right?

Yeah, you just can't use chickens.

(Colin laughs)

Have you ever lied to me?

(both laughing)

This is good!

Yeah, this is great.

Yeah, I'm sure I have.

I'm sure I've lied to you at some point.

About what?

I don't know (chuckles).

I like that it thinks I had a specific thing in mind.

Oh, I got a follow-up question.

Was it for me or for you?

It coulda been either or both.

(both laughing)

You're bullshitting man! Well, I mean.

I never lied to you on anything important.

It would have been just a dumb little thing.

It's moving a lot.

(Colin laughs)

I'm sure I did!

You've never lied to me?

Do you believe you're the handsomest guy on SNL now?

I don't know (chuckles).

No, but I'm trying to think of who's,

I'm trying to remember everyone in the cast.

You seem a little jumpy for that one.

You're trying to remember everyone in the cast?

No, I don't think, no.

You're looking at one.

I know.

No, I don't.

That's what just reminded me.

(chuckles) Wow.

(Colin laughs)

Alright, well, do you think I'm second?

(both giggling)

No, because I think you're first.

(Colin laughs)

Wow. (Colin chuckles)

Do you believe in the Illuminati?

Like that it's an actual organization?

Yeah.

I don't think so because I think people

that are that powerful don't have enough time

to organize meetings together.

On just a scheduling level, I think it would be a nightmare.

Do I ever do anything on set that annoys you?

I'm sure there's been things that have annoyed me.

Like what? I don't know.

Is it when I flip you off?

No, that's actually very reassuring somehow.

Is it when I drop your toothbrush and put it back?

What?

If you could give marital advice to Pete,

what would it be?

Yes.

(both laughing)

[Michael] That's great!

(Colin laughs)

Here's a good one.

Have you ever stolen a joke?

No.

Damn.

Borrowed.

Borrowed just to say it on TV.

Do you think Trump will be reelected?

Yes.

Why would I lie?

Would you be happy if Trump was reelected?

(Colin laughs)

No.

(both laughing hard)

Oh, you can take the boy outta Staten Island

but you can't take Staten Island outta the boy.

Look, it's my job, man.

(both laughing)

Alright, I got one more, one more.

At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

Yes?

No?

Which one is it?

Exactly.

I told you you looked at my dick.

(both laughing)

[Woman] So I need you to pick your arm

straight up in the air.

This is pretty intense.

Whose idea was this?

Turn it over for me.

You guys are killing me over here.

[Colin] Is your name Michael Che?

Yes.

Are you 35 years old?

Yes.

Are you about to take a polygraph exam?

I am taking a polygraph exam.

I'm not about to.

Was that a trick question or?

You ever kill a man?

Never.

I don't think so.

What did it say?

He's telling the truth.

Shit.

Are you nervous today?

No.

Really, why not?

Because I feel like (exhales deeply),

I don't know.

Am I, did I tell the truth?

Am I nervous?

Yeah.

Oh, I guess I'm nervous.

You ever kill a woman?

Now I'm really nervous.

(Colin laughs)

I don't think I have.

[Colin] You don't think you have?

No.

If she died it was only of a broken heart.

(woman chuckles)

[Colin] Is there a joke you ever told on SNL

that you later regretted?

Yes.

Any ones that come to mind in particular?

The first two seasons, certainly.

Like content you were worried about?

Or you just, in retrospect,

you didn't think they were that good?

Both.

Yeah, both.

Sometimes you tell a joke that you,

should I be talking to you?

I'm just here to find out

if you're telling the truth or not.

So far, so good?

So far, so good.

Alright.

I wouldn't have called Donald Trump a cracker.

(Colin laughs)

Just on a hate mail level?

Nah, I just think honky's a funnier word.

Okay.

You recognize this man?

I sure do.

Do you think that Lorne likes you or me more?

I think Lorne like me more because (chuckles)

I say a lot meaner words (chuckles).

Look at that little smirk.

It looks like I said something bad.

(Colin chuckles)

Do you think that there's a line

that comedy should not cross?

No, I think everybody's should be make fun of

at least four times a week.

Have you ever gotten away with a crime?

Yes.

Would you say misdemeanor or felony?

Which one is tax evasion?

(Colin laughs)

I don't know!

[Woman] It's a federal felony.

[Colin] That's a federal felony.

So I'm gonna say misdemeanor.

(both laughing)

Should comedians ever run for office?

No.

Absolutely not.

That's a freaking pay cut, for one.

Two, there's no ceiling.

What are you gonna do, make the country better?

Ugh.

Why don't you make fun of the person in power,

it's a much easier job.

Less schedule.

And you don't have to pay taxes.

Do you feel like I could run for office?

No.

Why?

'Cause I know what you do.

I mean, you want me to tell you what you do?

No, we're okay. Okay, yeah, alright.

I'll tell you.

They don't have cameras.

Do you think that our political system is broken?

No, I think it's fixed.

That was poetic as fuck. Whoa, that was like--

Goddamn, that gave me a chill.

(Colin laughs)

I believe it's fixed.

Can you do like the,

a Spike Lee pan maybe?

[Colin] So, you're from Manhattan.

Yep.

I wrote these.

So you're from Manhattan.

Do you think you know NYC, I wrote that, better than me?

Yes.

[Colin] You feel like you know New York better than I do?

Absolutely.

[Colin] Why?

Because I feel like you're from New York

but you're from Staten Island.

You mean part of New York City?

I mean like it's technically Europe.

It's an island, so there's a bit of a tropical vibe.

Manhattan is an island.

Staten Island is garbage land.

You know, I don't sit here

and say bad things about where you grew up.

Literally what you're about to do next.

Okay, well, let me get to it.

(Michael chuckles)

What's wrong with where you grew up?

(Michael laughs loudly)

Well, there was broken glass everywhere.

(Colin laughs)

What's wrong with it?

Not enough attention.

Are you happy Donald Trump's president?

No.

I mean-- It's impossible but.

I'm happy that the system is so broken

that it's that broken.

(both laughing)

It does give me a little hope

that maybe someone else unconventional can do it.

And they can't catch him?

It's like, oh shit, what can I get away with?

But I think for the greater good of the world

maybe it's not a good idea.

I regret voting for him.

Thank you, that was my next question.

Do you have a favorite Kardashian?

Yes.

[Colin] Is it Kris?

Which one's Kris?

Have you ever watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians?

I've seen it on TV but I've never watched it.

I've seen someone else watch it.

No, I'm not lying, I'm telling the truth.

Stop yelling at the machine.

I've seen it on TV but I've never like,

oh, let me keep up with, I've never kept up with the them.

I see.

Seems like that was an agitated response.

Is that a fair assessment?

Mm-hmm.

[Colin] Yeah.

Well, because I don't-- No, no, no.

If I did watch it, I wouldn't--

You're not digging yourself a hole.

Look, I've watched a lot of bad things before, okay?

But that's not something that I've turned to.

It's not, man!

You can hear it when it--

(Colin laughs)

You're yelling at a machine right now.

Do you feel like your social media

is an accurate depiction of you?

(Michael laughs)

Yes, I do.

Sadly.

Oh, you don't wanna fight about that?

No.

Yeah, yeah, no, it is.

[Colin] Oh, you don't wanna fight me on that?

No.

Who would you rather have as your wing man:

me or Keenan Thompson?

Keenan.

See, the machine knows.

It's true.

I actually lied for you (laughs).

I was trying to make you seem like a good guy.

Absolutely the one that boozes, nah, I'm kidding.

[Colin] Hey!

Do you think that you drink more than I do?

Maybe.

Yes.

Do you think you can out-drink me?

Yes.

(Colin chuckles)

Do you think we would make good roommates?

No.

I don't wanna move in with him.

[Colin] So you wouldn't fight that?

I don't think we'd make good roommates.

[Colin] Why?

I don't know.

Do you think we'd make good roommates?

I think it would be interesting.

No, I don't think so.

I got that whole racism thing.

Do you refer to me as more of a friend

or as a co-worker?

Friend.

Whoa!

Passed the friend test.

At any point during this interview,

did you lie and we didn't catch you?

I don't know.

I don't know what's a lie anymore.

I don't know when it is.

I know she's twisting. Wow.

I think, I'm gonna say I didn't lie the entire.

(Michael scoffs) (Colin laughs)

Didn't lie once.

The thing snapped off it was moving so much.

Whatever man.