Chelsea Handler Takes A Lie Detector Test

Gonna go right under your arms

and over your chest. Okay.

Get a little cozy.

Are you taking my blood pressure?

Taking all of it.

[static]

[Interrogator] Chelsea?

Yes, I'm assuming this is a lie detector test?

That's correct. Okay.

[Interrogator] Is your name Chelsea Handler?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Is your middle name Joy?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Were you born in New Jersey?

I was.

Are these yes and no, or can I elaborate?

[Interrogator] For now, it's yes or no.

Okay.

[Interrogator] We just need to calibrate the machine.

Okay, yes.

[Interrogator] Are you ready to take

a lie detector test?

Yes, estoy lista, as they would say in Espana,

just so you guys know, I can take it in Spanish

or English, it's up to you.

[Interrogator] Let's stick to English.

Okay, no problem.

[Interrogator] So the first category is your life.

Thank you.

[papers ruffle]

[clanging]

[Interrogator] As a teenager, you competed

in the Miss Teen New Jersey Pageant.

Is that correct?

Those were fond memories, yes.

[Interrogator] Did you win?

That was not a fond memory,

and thank you bringing it up, no, I didn't win.

I came in top 15.

[Interrogator] Were you in the pageant for world peace?

No!

That wasn't an issue back then.

[Interrogator] Were you in it for the money?

No, there was no money in it.

[Interrogator] What were you in it for?

The recognition that I was beautiful

and that I could use an entire bottle of Aqua Net on my head

in one sitting and go out in a prom dress

or a gown or whatever the [beep] I wore and kill it.

Obviously the note's back were that I did not kill it.

But I did come in top 15 and for that I am very proud.

[Interrogator] I think that's worth being proud of.

Thank you, nobody asked you.

[Interrogator] Moving on.

Does being in a beauty pageant mean that you fake tanned?

Probably.

I doubt my parents paid for that though,

so I don't know how I got tan.

I probably had to go outside.

[Interrogator] Do you still fake tan?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Do you think you look better with a tan?

Yes, obviously, everybody looks better

with a little bit of a tan, okay?

You too.

[Interrogator] Do you think this man looks better

with a tan?

That's not a tan, that's a burn,

an orange burn.

That's when you get burned by an actual orange.

[Interrogator] That sounds accurate.

Is my blood pressure going up, 'cause sometimes it does

when I see photos of that man.

[Woman] It is a little bit, actually, yes.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, if the veins start throbbing

out of my neck, I would like to take a break.

[Interrogator] You also celebrated your bat mitzvah

as a teen, correct?

That's when most people celebrate their bat mitzvahs.

[sighs]

[Interrogator] Do you remember your Torah reading?

My Torah reading?

No, no I don't, I barely remember my bat mitzvah.

I was in a blackout.

[Interrogator] Do you remember your outfit?

Yes, yes I do.

It was cream, virginal if you will.

It was the last time I wore white.

Am I telling the truth so far?

Exactly. Thank you.

[Interrogator] Was your bat mitzvah a hot invite

in middle school?

Uh, it was the opposite of that.

It was in my parents' backyard and I don't recall

having any friends there, and then my parents

took the money that everybody gave me

from their friends, I got envelopes of cash

that I was so excited about and then they took

all the money and kept it, so that's what growing up

in my house was like.

[Interrogator] You worked as a waitress before, right?

Thank you, that's correct.

[Interrogator] Did you ever flirt to get a bigger tip?

Yes, yes, I did.

I've slept with people at restaurants,

so they weren't people that were gonna tip me,

they were other people that worked the restaurant,

that was, you know, when you could do things like that.

So did I flirt with people for a better tip?

Yeah, the answer would be yes.

Did I sleep with anybody?

I don't even think you asked that, did you?

[Interrogator] I did not.

No, okay, so let's rewind.

Answer yes.

[Interrogator] Well we have that on the record now, so.

Okay.

[Interrogator] Did you ever spit in a bad customer's food?

Never, I would never spit in anyone's food.

Well, that's not true, but I never did that as a waitress,

and people who do that are so stupid and petty.

The person doesn't even know that you spit in their food,

so what's the point of that?

You catch my drift, girl?

I know what you're talking about.

Talk about passive aggressive.

If I'm gonna spit, I'm gonna do it right in your face

and say hey [hocks] whatever you do to spit, you know?

However that goes.

[Interrogator] Did you ever drink

someone's leftover wine?

Hmm, doubt it, I'm not into leftover cocktails.

That's kinda gross.

Food is different.

If there are sections of the plate that have been untouched,

you know, when people don't get to like three ravioli,

the two are safe that are not in the fray, you know,

with the sauce.

If you could see untouched food, why not take

a little potato gnocchi and pop it right into your mouth.

[Interrogator] Can't pass up a ravioli.

You told Ellen in 2017 that you've never

hooked up with a fan.

But that was two years ago, so is that still true?

Yeah, I've never hooked up with a fan.

I don't think, no.

Not like after a show or anything like that.

No, I haven't hooked up with a fan, no.

That's for men, men do that.

[Interrogator] Have you ever hooked up with someone

that you were a fan of?

Most of the people I've had sex with,

I'm not, lemme think, fan of, a famous person.

No [laughs],

no I've only hooked up with men that I'm not fans of.

[Interrogator] Is that true?

That's true.

[Interrogator] You recently talked about

how Donald Trump becoming president pushed you into therapy.

Does that mean you'll stop going to therapy

once he's out of office?

I, no, it doesn't.

I will remain in therapy sporadically for the rest

of my life because I realize how helpful it is

and I would actually like to thank the Trump family,

not that I will, but I would like to thank them

for making me have a meltdown and having to go to therapy

because I think that I'm a much better person for it,

I'm certainly much calmer than I used to be,

and I know how to take deep breaths now, so,

you know, I would thank them if they were human beings

but since they're not, I can't thank them, so whatever.

Does that answer your question?

[Interrogator] I think that summed it up.

Excellent.

[Interrogator] You've openly talked about working

through your own daddy issues in therapy.

Do you think this woman has daddy issues?

Yes.

Yes I do.

[Interrogator] What about this woman?

She's got different, yeah, she's got the same,

yeah, you're right, they all have issues.

She's got daddy issues.

[Interrogator] You think they have separate daddy issues?

Yeah, they have, one's from being ignored

and one's from having too much attention from the daddy

and one's from no attention from the daddy,

so you know how that goes.

[Interrogator] You have two Chow Chows.

Is that right?

That is correct, thank you.

Bertrand and Bernice, those were their birth names,

I didn't even have to name them those names

and I would've, those would've been my top choice of names,

Bertrand and Bernice but no, they already came

with the names so obviously that was a connection

and it was supposed to happen.

[Interrogator] Have you ever called your dogs

your children?

Hope not.

Stupid.

[Interrogator] Do you think it's possible

to love a dog as much as a person?

I don't know, for some people I guess

but that's ridiculous.

A human being is a human being and a dog

is not a human being.

It's close but not quite the same thing.

[Interrogator] Is there such a thing

as having too many dogs?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, I mean I think if things become unsanitary

and you know what I'm catching on, you know

or driving at I should say, what I need you

to catch from what I'm driving is dingleberries,

'cause that's something that came up earlier this morning

actually with a friend.

Something I hadn't thought about,

but say that comes into the equation and your dog

is carrying around little shitcoodles

in their little Popsicle stick butt holes

and they wanna spread those around the house,

then you need to get one less dog.

[Interrogator] That's where you draw the line?

Or you can staple their butt closed.

It's your call.

[Interrogator] Now let's talk about your career.

One of the first shows you starred in

was a hidden camera reality show

called Girls Behaving Badly?

Oh, really?

That looks fun, and cute.

Look how cute we are.

Look at me in my tank top.

Showing some skin, cute girls.

Yeah, I just had dinner with Shandrella the other night.

What's your next question about that?

[Interrogator] Did the contestants on the show

actually know they were being filmed?

No, not initially.

Sometimes we would have to redo things after

to pick up and then they would be in on it

and they'd have to play along but in the first one

which was the main thing, no, they didn't know.

[Interrogator] Do you enjoy watching reality TV?

Do you have another question, that's answerable?

[Interrogator] Okay.

If things ever went downhill in your career,

would you ever say yes to Celebrity Big Brother?

That's a hard no.

[Interrogator] Hard no?

Is that true?

She is telling the truth.

[Interrogator] What about Celebrity Survivor?

That's a hard no.

[Interrogator] A hard no?

I'm trusting that's also true?

And that's the same answer

as your reality television question.

You should be ashamed of yourself, okay?

I'm in my 40s, I don't have time for that jazz.

[laughs]

[Interrogator] You've written five books.

Six, [beep].

[Interrogator] You've written six books.

Six books.

[Interrogator] And they've all made

the New York Times Bestseller List, is that correct?

Yes.

[Interrogator] Have you ever checked the list

to make sure your book was still on there?

Yes.

[Interrogator] You do that often?

You don't check the list, they send you the list

if you're on it.

You don't find out that you're on, if they tell you

you're on it, like two weeks before,

and if they don't tell you then you really need

to get a new publisher.

[Interrogator] Do you come up with

your book titles yourself?

Some of them I have, this last one was

my best friend's husband, Michael Morris,

Mary McCormack's husband came up with

Life Will Be the Death of Me.

[Interrogator] Very clever.

When you write your books, are you ever

under the influence?

Yes, that's right.

I like to edit, I like to write,

then I like to go back and get a little stoned

and then put in some funny stuff

and then I like to have sessions where I get

really stoned and just write anything.

So yes, drugs are a factor, or cannabis is a factor,

I don't even consider it a drug, I consider it

a coping mechanism.

[Interrogator] Do you think you write better

under the influence?

It's a little goes a long way,

you don't need to be under the influence

for the entire writing of the book but you can go in

and sprinkle some stoned behavior in within the book,

you know, everything to a degree.

You know me, moderation, moderation, moderation.

[Interrogator] John Waters once said

if you go home with somebody and they don't have books,

don't [beep] them.

Have you ever abided by this rule?

That's a great rule, but no,

probably one I should start abiding by,

judging from my track record.

I mean I don't know if I know anybody

who doesn't have books, at least people have fake books

that they pretend to read, so I mean if somebody

really doesn't have books then that's cause for alarm.

[Interrogator] Have you ever been to a potential lover's

home and on the shelf they have your book?

Ugh, no, that would be a boner killer.

Unless I was hooking up with a girl

which I really don't do anymore.

[Interrogator] Were you once a correspondent

on the Tonight Show?

I guess so, I mean here's a picture of it.

Terrible outfit, I mean look at me,

I look like a harlot.

[Interrogator] Is it safe to say Jay Leno

is your favorite late night talk show host?

No.

[Interrogator] You once said that P Diddy

was three hours late to be a guest on your show?

Have you ever been that late to anything?

Three hours late, no, no.

P Diddy is ridiculous.

I mean honestly, three hours late?

Who acts like that?

I went off on him that day and I feel good about it still.

[Interrogator] Do you hold a grudge against him?

No, no, no, of course not.

[Interrogator] You once said that Justin Bieber

was the worst guest you ever had.

But that was before your Netflix talk show.

So, is Justin Bieber still the worst guest you ever had?

I don't even remember the interview with Justin Bieber

that I said he was the worst.

No, I mean, interviews are usually,

no I haven't, I don't have a good answer for that.

I can't ever think of a good answer for that,

worst or best.

[Interrogator] Let's move on to pop culture.

I would say you have quite a presence on Instagram.

Would you agree?

Sure, yes.

[Interrogator] Do you actually make your own posts?

Mostly, yeah.

I make my posts, I have a social media person

but we, I do a lot of stuff on my own

and some of the stuff is done by her.

[Interrogator] Have you ever unfollowed a friend

for posting too much?

I've muted people, and yes, I've unfollowed

not my own friend, but I've muted my own friends, yes.

And what a great, what's it called, option?

No, what a great feature to be able to mute people

and their stories, it's perfect,

because you don't wanna unfollow people you're friends with,

it hurts people's feelings 'cause people actually

look at that shit.

[Interrogator] So you'd rather just ignore them?

Mm-hmm.

[Interrogator] Have you ever used Facetune

on any of your photos?

No.

That is true.

[Interrogator] You follow both Kensington Palace

and Kate Middleton's brother on Instagram.

[laughs]

That's funny.

[Interrogator] Would you say you have royals fever?

No, no.

The Kate Middleton's brother is, obviously a mistake

or maybe I, no, maybe that's not a mistake.

I don't know who that is even, so.

[Interrogator] If Prince Harry came up to you

at a bar, would you let him buy you a drink?

Sure.

[Interrogator] What about Prince William?

Not as much as Prince Harry, but yeah,

I guess so, I mean I'm not gonna say no

to me getting a drink from one of these guys,

I mean it's the polite thing to do, right?

Obviously I wouldn't stay and hang out with Prince William

because he doesn't seem like that much fun,

but Harry seems more fun.

[Interrogator] Harry does seem more fun.

Did you ever encounter Meghan Markle

when she was an actress?

No, I didn't.

I saw Suits though on a plane once.

Does that count?

[Interrogator] Did you like her in Suits?

I mean, it's okay.

[Interrogator] I heard you're creating

your own cannabis line?

That's correct, thank you.

[Interrogator] Have you tried Post Malone's new weed?

No, Post Malone, oh no, I didn't even know

he had new weed, no.

That looks like it's gonna be very strong weed

judging by the metal in his mouth.

But you know, who am I to stereotype?

[Interrogator] What about Whoopi's weed?

Oh, I love Whoopi, yeah.

No, I never tried her weed either actually.

I should.

[Interrogator] Have you tried any celebrity weed?

Uh, Snoop Dog, Wiz, does Wiz Khalifa

have his own weed line? I believe so.

He should get it, 'cause I wasn't right

for three days after that.

And, and, and Willie Nelson's was very strong as well.

I wasn't able to drive for 48 hours.

[Interrogator] Have you ever been uncomfortably stoned

at a red carpet event?

No.

I wish that answer was yes.

I've been uncomfortable, but not stoned.

[Interrogator] So you haven't been stoned at all

at red carpet events?

Oh yeah, I mean a little stoned but not too stoned.

[Interrogator] What about at award shows?

I don't go to those, I'm generally not invited.

[Interrogator] What about while hosting your TV show?

Stoned, probably.

[Interrogator] Have you ever accidentally eaten an edible

thinking it was a normal snack?

Yes.

I did that this morning, I had 250 milligrams of CBD

for something we were shooting

and I still don't feel anything,

so I don't know what to make of it.

[Interrogator] At any point during this interview

did you lie, and we didn't catch you?

No.

[Interrogator] Is that the truth?

That's true.

[Interrogator] Nice work.

Thank you, thank you.

Now everybody knows I'm not a [beep] liar.

[clanging]